Please go away . . . but make sure you stay!

Hello all.

I have started school again. Oh joy, the smell of musty school books, crazy, mean, mad, bad, unfair teachers who will catch you out for accidental laughing fits and the mob of friends who you love but find deeply annoying and love to say you love the opposite sex, even if you're just friends. (Since when did a boy and a girl being mates, stop being all right?) Yes, utter hellish heaven!

The homework is piling up its only been three days!

But its hard to concentrate on any of it, though, cos my life seems to be turning into sludge!

My mum wants to run off with some guy my dad hates, and she will, at Christmas, for six weeks, on a supposed holiday to see her family who she hasn't seen in nine years. I guess that's fair but getting off with another guy NO. I don't want two addresses or a step family! NO WAY!

And supposed fiance is driving me to boiling point. It's like him proposing has made him ten times more controlling and just downright annoying! Always snapping at me, saying weird things like "I don't even know what I am doing" and when I ask him about it he's just like it doesn't matter. IT SCARES ME! It does matter.

Then there's Pon. I made very well of pushing him out of mind and being all perfect fiance type person but then he was within ten feet of me and I felt that special feeling, where you feel a million feelings all at once. You feel sick, scared, weirdly happy, excited and like you're hearts about to explode and somehow sad.

A real mix there.

I asked him if he wanted to see a movie with me on Saturday he said "dunno."

Now, I hate that word!

Well definitely when boys say it. Cos their just so . . . mysterious it stops being cool and starts getting agitating.

So I recruited Lover Dearest (we just couldn't help being friends!) and he of course worked his boy magic and pulled the info I needed from him though I didn't like it. Well half and half really! Apparently he does fancy me (meaning like for those who aren't accustomed to the British lingo) but he just got out of a really messy relationship so is unable to devote his life to loving yours truly!

But apparently according to my best friend who we will call "Munchkin" (she's actually my height, but I call her Munchkin anyway. Started a while ago, never stopped and now she puts it as her facebook and twitter names. I am genius!) says that apparently it's illegal for him to date me.

I think it's not illegal (yet)!

Though I was kinda/sorta/a bit surprised to realise he has started as a student teacher and does P.E. I wouldn't mind doing that lesson if HE was teaching me.

I have vowed, I think, to wait until he gets over said relationship to "go for it" as Lover Dearest said. And I don't mean to be disobeying to the law . . .

But I don't give a fuck what the fucking law says!

If I like him, and he likes me and isn't all hung up on past relationships we should be able to go out. It's only like 3-4 years not really a giant gap there!

OH MY GOD!

Officially worst fiance ever!

But does it stop there? NO.

A new person, who we will call Knot, has walked into my life. All care of my mad friend! He's nice, funny, sweet and he told me he loved me!

Now, I will admit I did do a few daydreams of him but . . . I don't know . . . but I . . . if Pon does get over said relationship and I break free from Lewis, I'd have to dump him to get to Pon who I swear I belong with, but then I say tat about everyone.

And he's already been through hell and back again, he's been stabbed four times, and his brother died like a week ago! I mean, seriously he doesn't need a little skank like me dumping him and making him hit rock bottom with a big bang!

So yes as you see life is shit! SHIT I TELL YOU! No actually shit looks like a fudge chocolate cake compared to the deep fucked up situation I am in.

Gotta do homework and NOT think about Pon. And try and find more ways to get Lewis to stop annoying me and be good fiance and also not lead Knot on and not hate mum or dad for being such suckish parents! Or yell at four year old sister for swearing and get book published so I CAN GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

God, the list never ends!

Love

Belle

xxxxx

The Way I Loved You

All this commitments stuff is great, yeah, its just fab. But its all so calm, too easy. The challenge, the danger, has all gone. It's kinda comfy now . . . he's changed, did he do it for me?

I know that all anyone ever wants is the "perfect" relationship but . . .

I guess I kinda miss the parts when we first started out, the screaming and fighting. The way I hated him and loved him so much all at the same time it made me dizzy. I miss the emotional roller coaster it all was.

But now, he wants to *gulp* marry me! He bought me a ring, he's making a commitment. Why? I mean I'm not the perfect, polite, barbie doll girl you want your mother to meet. I'm the loud, sarcastic, weird curly haired girl who always says the wrong thing and doesn't really think before she speaks.

I'm always changing my mind and I love going out and doing random things just because I feel like it. I like to paint a room a weird bright colour just cos I feel like it.

Is that the kind of girl a guy wants to spend the rest of his life with?

Must be for him.

I'm getting more used to the idea of this "forever" thing. I just, I guess I never thought I'd be thinking of forever with him. I mean this is the guy I'd used to wonder if I'd make it through the next two hours with let alone forever!

Yeah, I am his longest relationship, compared to the two weeks he usually seems to last. Maybe that makes me seriously special in his book. In which case great, but hopefully he has other reasons. I could ask him . . .

Yeah, I mean he's hardly gonna bite my head off.

And if he does I'll kill him, verbally of course :)

It's a plan.

Love

Belle

xx

You're Specail

I went shopping with Lover Dearest. We have to be friends, we just can't help ourselves. I'm over it now, and so is he. We're just fine, once again. We walked around happily in circles not going into any shops really, he refuses to pick shops always makes me choose. I am very indecisive.

But more importantly . . .

Drum roll please . . .

I'M ENGAGED!

Everyone pop out the good champagne and dance around- NO.

I want to be thrilled, I want to be ecstatic but I'm not. I am terrified. Shocked. I mean, you're walking along with your boyfriend who you have a nice cosy on and off relationship with and then suddenley BAM! He's on his knee with a FOUR HUNDRED POUND RING and asks you to marry him.

I couldn't have been more shocked if green pigs started doing the loopty loop over my head.

I mean this was Lewis. He was not the committment kinda guy. He does not propose, he cheats and lies and breaks girls hearts, HE DOES NOT PROPOSE!

I should have said no. I should have run away or something. But all I saw was this wrong which he spent sooo much money on, probably everything he has. His hopeful face, so utterly sure I was gonna say yes. And then me not sure of what was happening.

I opened my mouth all set to crush his dreams but I couldnt instead I said . . .

"Yeah, I'd love to".

LIES!

Cos I'm in love with someone else . . .

We'll call him, Pon.

As in Pon and Zi.

He told me I was specail. And even though Lewis proposed he has never said that to me. No one has. He said other things to . . .

And I think I'm falling for him.

I am officially the worst fiance ever!

Damn you ring!

What am I going to do????

Love

Belle (NO LONGER SINGLE!)

xxx

p.s. GAAAAH

And You Thought Your Family Was Embarassing

Ok, like two days ago, I went out with my mum and sister to park.

Going out with them, is never NOT embarrassing. Or uneventful.

We actually sat on a park bench and watched a black dog disappear behind a hedge only to hear his owners suddenly exclaim that said dog was now drowning.

Me and my mother didn't see the dog until it tried to drag itself up onto land, and failed, soaking us in the process. My mum insisted I jump in and save the dog. I can't swim! I looked at her from my slightly wet hair dripping around my face. I heard another splash as the other dog jumped in and got up and went to sit against the wall encase she would throw me in the pond or something.

They got out like two minutes later with no need for anyone to go jumping in heroically into the gungy, gross pond.

Then as I went to the toilets to try and dry myself off. I came out to see a running screaming child, running away from a bush, and sticking out of this bush I could see what were unmistakably my mothers shoes. I went there to see her lying in the bush my little sister trying to clamber up her.

What's worse is there were very cute boys watching whole time. Which always makes a embarrassing situation ten times worse!

"I thought it was you! I jumped out from the bush, and the little girl screamed and jumped, and then jas pushed me over when she tried to jump on me!" she laughed, almost crying.
"Your lucky the parents have a sense of humor," I say as they walked past laughing.
"I thought it was you, I swear," she giggled.
"But I'm not blond and two feet tall," I point out.
"Honest mistake!" she giggled and stood up, twigs in her hair and walked along still laughing swinging my little sisters hand, the twigs still in her hair!

Yes my family is truly mad!

But then I who am I to talk?

Love You Lots

Belle

xx

Just You And Me

Lewis + me= recipe for disaster

Now this is the . . . third time we've gone out. Now, it always is me who ends it, cos he always seems unaware of his actions. Or very aware and just likes to lie about it.

I'd like to say there was some great hidden meaning why we are drawn to each other, why we come back for more heartache, and more confusion. I'd like to say that secretly I have a feeling we are made for each other. Truth is, I don't.

There is no great phylisophical meaning why we like to date each other and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend when it is necessary.

It's just us.

Him and me.

It's what we do. But I do feel for my friends who have to listen to me complain about his massive screw-ups and who tell me it's a bad idea to go back down that road again. But I don't know . . . it's such a fun road.

I can almost kid myself he's a genuinely nice guy when I'm with him. Though I do tend to step back every now and then when we break up and think "God, he's an asshole!". But then he turns on the charm, the sweet talk. I tell myself to beleive it, because what more do I have to lose? Any last shreds of dignity went somewhere up the line.

So here we are again, with our dysfunctional ways which I have over the past nine months of knowing each other have fallen in love with. And I am thrilled, cos I swear he's getting better, getting to be less of a dick.

Progress.

One step at a time and who knows maybe one day . . . He'll be able to stay in a relationship for over two months without shamelessly hitting on everyone of his girlfriends friends.

I hope I live to see the day :)

Love

Belle

xx

Liar, liar!

We all tell lies.

I tell lies. I know I do. But never to hurt anyone, only to protect feelings and stop myself getting put on house arrest for bad behaviour, but usually to put a smile on someones face.

But lying to hurt people, and tear things apart, that's another thing all together. That is just sad, pathetic, and cruel. My ex-best friend thought it would be nice if she contacted my ex-crush who I am now actually quiet good friends with.

She pretended to send a e-mail on my behalf saying I couldn't stand him, and that he was selfish and only thought of himself and I never wanted to talk to him again. So not true, he's not one bit selfish and is caring, and I find talking to him fun.

He asked me about it, and me in utter shock pleaded total ignorance. He luckily believed my story of ex-best friend being evil sociopath blond girl. And I discussed the great tragedy of me looking like a mega dork whenever I put my glasses on and he told me I always looked beautiful. Sure I'm over him, but I couldn't help freak out the minute he was out of sight.

I also yesterday went out with Lina. We tried on heels in Debenhams but could so not walk in them. She looked like she was an old lady, kinda hunched over holding her back and I looked like a robot on a tight rope!

Was hilarious and then we plodded around barefoot in the shoe section looking for larger heels. Sure maybe immature but growing up is hard work and sometimes it's nice to act younger, just freeing really.

It gets old people telling you, about all this, you have to be great, better than everyone else, good marks, great scores, come top so you can make a ton of money and etc. We don't want all that shed load of responsibility. It's seriously scary and great stress maker. It's easier to do it without people saying it's the end of the world, less serious. Doesn't mean you'll flunk just that you won't hyperventilate every time you get a B, "OH DEAR GOD! SHE GOT A B! SHE'LL NEVER GET INTO OXFORD! SOMEONE HELP ME, I CANT BREATHE! DIAL 999 GOD DAMMIT!" OK, so they don't say this exactly but that's what their thinking!

Love u long time

B

xx

Did You Forget

I discovered Demi Lovato's song, Did You Forget, some time ago. I liked it because well that's how you feel sometimes after a relationship like the other person went to some special clinic and had every moment you ever talked and spent together wiped clean from their brain.

But I forgot lately what it was like to go out with my best friend and giggle when boys checked us out. I forgot how fun it was to text each other on the bus about the cute guy sitting behind us, that we daren't speak about out loud cos he would hear.

It was fun. Girl fun. I missed my best friend.

And she in the past two weeks has started talking to Lover Dearest (how I will continue to call him) and actually I spent most of my time keeping her away from him cos me and Best Friend are very alike. But she isn't as shy, she's more out there, and maybe she's better. I had nightmares of him hooking up with her.

And I woke up today to see that he had her name on his IM. Now, this is a big deal, this means this person is special to you in boy world when you put a girls name on ur IM. I couldn't have felt worse if someone stabbed me in the heart with a rusty old knife. I stared gobsmacked for a second.

He doesn't talk to me anymore, but obviously he's having lots of fun talking to her. I could not bring myself to cry. Maybe I'm getting over him, cos sure it still hurts like hell but I'm not welling up, about to cry every five minutes. Progress.

So he forgot about me. Or he's having a good shot at forgetting me. His loss, I say.

Because there are some guys out there, who don't forget me in a second. Who actually CARE about what I do, and what I say. I got people who matter, he doesn't matter . . . he can't, when I don't matter to him.

Sorry but I have a book to write and black berry's to eat!

Love

B

xx

Dear Lover Dearest #3

Dear Lover Dearest,
I don't think it will ever work. Friends? I don't think so, I can tell you're wary of me like I have some horrible desease or something. I am DONE being the girl who is forever rejected. I can get out of this hole you've stuck me in.

So, I think it's time to bid all dreams of you goodbye.

I might write these letters that I will never send, more, to maybe let go of some feelings I may still keep inside. I have to go now and burn all the bridges I have made.

Lots Of Love Forever

B

xx

Dear Lover Dearest #2

Dear Lover Dearest,
I have this urge to tell you my favourite fantasy of you and I.

Well if you knew me a bit better you would know I have this thing for rock stars. Seriously I drool at the sight of Ian Watkins with his shirt off. And I'm currently nutty for Josh Ramsay and his boyish ways. His lyrics are poetry, Shakespeare would take his hat off to him!

But anyway one of my favourite fantasies is you, turning up at my birthday party. It's a disco and you tell me you've got a surprise for me later.

I wait and wait and then you walk onto the stage where the band is performing. The music stops and the band mounts off and you take the mic. You look nervous for a moment but then you speak.

"This girl is hard to work out, and I have spent hours thinking of what she would really, really love. She's my girlfriend. I adore her, so I did buy her some iTunes vouchers. Now before you write me off as a cheap skate let me tell you the rest of her present. If you know anything about the music she likes you'll know she's dotty for rock stars. Now me being an average bloke, can hardly compare to their punk rock charm, and I know it's her ultimate dream for her to meet one of these rare and blue haired beasts. So, after much doling out of the cash, many many many phone calls and hours of talking. I managed to get the one and the only MARIANAS TRENCH to come here and do a few songs for the birthday girl. Everyody give it up for Marianas Trench!"

I would scream at the top of my lungs and rush over to where you are was. Fling my arms around you and kiss you so hard neither of us could breathe but we'd laugh as we broke away.

Then the song Lover Dearest would come on and you pull me onto the danc floor and everyone clears and you put your arms around my waist and I put mine around your neck and rest my head on your shoulder as we slow dance. I want to laugh and cry cos I know you love me, cos you never dance. EVER!! It's like against your religion. But you're willing to make the exception just for me . . .

And as the song finishes you whisper into my ear, "I'd hate to ruin the romance and all, but just so you know, you soooo owe me!"

Just the kind of thing you'd say at a perfect moment like that. Lol.

Who knows maybe one day it'll be a reality.

Lots of Love forever

B

xx

Sushi

I talked to Jack. I still love him terribly.

But the hurt is gone and maybe I can delude myself into thinking we're just friends. I did it before but he shattered it so beautifully. I love him.

I've created a playlist for falling asleep, last night I put my MP3 player on while I crashed out on the cushion so I didn't have to see or hear the horrific movie on telly and the soft music from my fave band Marianas Trench, sent me drifting off to sleep, and then the noisy dance stuff jolted me awake. So I put together a playlist called Bedtime Stories for me going to sleep, maybe I will have sweeter dreams now.

I will have to wait and find out.

I feel better and that's the point. Only a few hours ago I felt like dying.

I'm gonna make a change though. Enough of the old me with her boring clothes, I want to be bright, I want to be beautiful, I want to feel pretty not like I have to answer to any snotty bitches. I'm gonna get hair extensions. Just clip ons. But red and blue ones! I want to get a skirt. I don't OWN a skirt and I should. I want stripy socks! I want bright hair clips! The kind they sell in Primark!

I'm gonna get all of this and maybe some arm warmers in winter!

My parents will never approve but I can always apply them in the ladies. I'll look fab, I just know it! I'll be bright, I don't want attention I just want to give people a nice reason to look at me, not to weigh up how far I come on the ugly scale!

And if the world doesn't like it. SOD THEM! I WILL LOVE IT!

B

xx

Dear Lover Dearest

I think the only way I can ever truly get past my sadness and dissapointment towards you is to write to you without you knowing. Kinda like letters from beyond, from beyond my heart that is. You will never read them, because I know you and you don't read blogs, and if you did ever stumble upon this, you'd never know it's me. You haven't known me long enough or well enough. You just don't know . . .

Dear Lover Dearest,
Today I went through hell. I got up thinking I'd see you. I was thinking about you so much and I thought you had to be thinking about me too. I put on my best clothes and spent forever on makeup in hope that maybe you'd fall for me. Stupid ugly me.

And I got there an hour early and I hid in the library. I even made myself five minutes late so I would look like I couldn't care less. You weren't there.

I thought you were really running late and I sat and I waited. I was so hopeful when I saw anyone with even one of your features. But you didn't show. I called you five minutes later, you said you had no money.

You probably remember all this.

I couldn't enjoy myself the rest of the day. I felt lost, beaten and bruised. I want to hate you so badly, but I can't. You did say sorry but these wounds on my heart are so deep.

I came home fifteen minutes late and once my parents had gone away I cried and cried and cried. You get to me like that. I wish you didn't. I wish you were mean and spiteful, then I could hate you and I wouldn't care. Then the tears wouldn't be so hot and I wouldn't feel so hurt so let down.

I wish many things on you.

But in my heart I love you, I love you so much it hurts.

It's hurting so much now.

Did you ever even LIKE me?

I want to ask you but I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to lose you altogether, but have I already?

In my dreams, in my private dreams, I see us together. So happy, me snuggled next to you. Waking up before the sun and chatting endlessly about anything and everything. You coming and painting my life with rainbow colours and buying me huge daisies. You . . . just you.

You and me.

Forever.

I know this probably will never happen and I will end up with someone else, settling for something lesser. Lesser than the perfect guy. The guy who doesn't want me, and ended our romance before it could even begin.

But I'm not gonna forget those four days in a hurry. I want to cling on. I want to feel like at some point you did want me, that you did love me. But perhaps it was all a lie.

Perhaps your a lie.

I think I'm just mad and sad for ever falling for your words, so sweet. I have loved people longer and I don't think it hurt this much. You hurt me more than anyone else, even though you . . . even though we didn't even last a week. I know you're complicated.

I understand. I do.

But if you could have just left me alone. I was fine. I was with someone, I was settled. I gave it all up for you and now they won't speak to me. And you are just . . .

I don't know.

You make me cry.

I'm crying right now just writing this. I hate you. I hate you.

HA! I wish.

I wish . . .

Love You Always

B

xx

I have to go and wipe my eyes. I seem to have cried off all my eyeliner. Lot more bothersome than wipes I'll tell you that.

Lover Dearest

You know, a part of me wants to break down crying.

But another part of me, wants to just laugh. Because in a sick, dark way it's funny.

I should have never thought this would be different. Their all the same. But we're better off at friends and I was just naive to think otherwise.

He said to me only an hour ago by IM

"Hate me if you must, but can we just be friends?"

That was a wake up call. I woke up alright. Kinda like when you refuse to get out of bed because you're just soo comfortable and warm in your dream world and then someone pours a cold bucket of water over you.

Yep this is exactly like that.

Oh but I'll get over it. I can fix my broken heart on my own. I always do, don't I?

And we're still meeting tomorrow. But now as friends, well at least now I won't have to obsess over make up and stuff. Yeah, it's better . . .

Now I just have to tell all my friends who were so happy for me thinking, "Yay, at last one that isn't a dick head and won't cheat on her or move to the other side of the worlcdld and then back aagian!"

Get ready for it guys!

The let down.

Will write later

B
xx

Looking For A Sign: No Signal Detected

Hmmm, mild burns, I am singed.

Your words today, they cut like a knife through my skin, through my flesh through my heart. I'm bleeding out on the floor and you don't care. Your not there anymore.

I'd tell you all what has happened. But I don't actually know! I wish I did, I really did. I mean, he says one thing to me, says another thing to someone else. And what will he actually DO when I see him on Monday. Yeah we changed it again, cos his sisters birthday is today!

But I knew complications would come my way, I mean it as all too perfect. He was too perfect. Too pure.

Basically, I don't know what we are anymore. Are we friends? Are we dating? Does he not want to admit we're dating? Does he want to pretend to be friends? But then he wouldn't have said all of those things. All of those, lovely things . . .

I love him still.

But I smell hurt down this path. I better put up my walls, wear my strongest armour and kneel on the ground with my sheild above my head, sword in the other hand. Anything so when it happens, which knowing me. It will! I will be ready, well something like that.

Love yaz!

B

xx

Is Anyone Out There?

I'll keep writing this blog anyhow. But is anyone actually reading this little blog?

I just want to know. I know probably no one does and I'm most likely in a huge room talking to myself. Like the mad women I have strived so hard to be.

So if you read this let me know? Just a simple comment like "I do".

B

xx

What I Like

See, I am close to hating myself. Maybe I already do.

(Told you that doom and gloom theme would kick in!)

So sometimes you just have to list what you like about yourself.

Here's mine.

What I Like About Me:

1. My eyes, their the darkest brown but if your close enough you can see their brown not black, so come closer.
2. My mouth, the lips part. What's in it I ain't so mad about. I don't know but these are the only two parts of my face i don't completel loathe.
3. My hair. Everyone's always complimenting me on it, and you can't fight fate!
4. My sense of sarcastic and slightly cruel himour. It makes people laugh some of the time, a reaosn to put up with me!
5. The voices in my head. Now, don't go calling the men in white jackets and a big net to throw me in the loony bin. I have not completely lost the plot! Ok, maybe I have. But these are my sub-personalities. The people who live in my head, who say things to ease the situation, embarassing or just plain awkard. They can be helpful, and can help me simmer down. Without them I would be very bored. Love you guys!
6. My imagination. Let's me make up things, write stories, without that little talent I am nothing. And ok, some people do it way better but I do it good enough for my standards.
7. My ears, see for some reason people find my ears adorable as they are small. I get a lot of "Awww look at her ears, their so small, awww thats so sweet" this may look cute but may also be why I feel like I'm partially deaf!
8. My hips. Sure I have the arse the size of Argentina but I have sort of an hourglass figure and if a giant but is what I must put up with to have this popular body image, then so be it!

That is all I think!

What are the things you like about yourself?

B

xx

How To Change A Light Bulb

I have this theory.

Actaully I have a dozen and one thearies from making up, breaking up, to the tiny corner in my bedroom where the spiders camp out to crawl down my throat at night.

This is the theory of falling in love.

Nope no doom and gloom for today. Well we'll just see how I feel later.

So anyway . . .

It's sorta like you're in a room. It's not that big, it's not that comfy. And it's dark because the light bulbs stopped working. Your left in the dark. And you sit there, because well what it's worth to turn change the bulb when you that if you turn the light bulb there's not much to look at. No ones there waiting.

So you sit.

Then that person walks into your love, you can't see clearly, you want to. You have this feeling. This surge. You just want to see them for what they are, cos maybe then they can see you, the real you. The person under the skin, YOU.

So get that new shiny bulb, pull up a stool, stand and you change it. Then the lights on and your looking at the most wonderful person in the world. And just looking at them makes you wanna laugh, not because their funny but because your so happy.

Do you know how to change the light bulb?

B

xx

Over Before It Begins

If you've read my posts you will know that I am not super duper happy all the time. I have depressing thoughts but I think it's cos I have depression and is that really my fault?

But my thoughts are what happen on the inside. On the outside, I laugh, I smile I say all the right things.

But inside the one thing I find myself doing especailly when I find interest in a guy is I begin to think of us together. Like any other girl, romantic scenarios, those sweet things he might do for me, sweet, romantic, funny, spontaneous things that will never fade in my memory.

But I also fast forward to the end. The tragic end which all relationships must endure at one point. Every couples breaks up at least once. Sometimes they get back together and live happily ever after like Ross and Rachel in Friends. Sometimes they don't.

I go to this. The tearful break up, dotted with broken hearts and turquoise tears. I picture myself lying in my room listening to sad love songs while the rain pours down and my tears pour down harder.

Having my heart break all over again when I see him in town.

I go to this, and I linger on this thought for a while.

Sometimes it's my fault. Mostly in my thoughts its my fault. Sometimes his. I don't know why I always think it will be me. I think mostly because I just expect myself to fail in such things, cos I don't know how to act in certain situations. I don't talk right, walk right, laugh right at the right times.

Maybe I seem too friendly with a guy who's meant to be just a friend.

I'm not sure.

So I think of this and then I think of all the bad stuff too.

Why?

Maybe I want to keep to grips with reality. Maybe cushion the fall so when it does happen I'll be more ready.

But is anyone ever ready to have their heart broken?

I had plenty of dooming thoughts about Boyfriend. (See earlier posts). And when it was over, I was NOT ready. I remember waking up, then remembering we weren't together. I remember listening to this one song I loved so much and having to lock myself in the bathroom as I cried my eyes out because it reminded me of him, what we used to be.

I cried a lot in those weeks. Then I became numb to it and tried to stop those old feelings simmering to the surface. It wasn't easy. It was harder than ever before.

So are all my bad thoughts just a waste of time and pretend tears. Is it not worth the worry?

Probably.

Does this mean all these thoughts will stop automatically?

No.

Hello? This is ME we're on about here.

Might blog later, dunno, I have lots of spare time now I'm on holiday :P

Lots and lots and lots of LUUUURVE!

B

xx

Change Of Plans

Ok, its sumer, so everyone in the known universe is off somehwere a million miles away from here!

So I have to wait till Saturday to see him. But I'd wait one hundred years if it meant I could be with him at the end of it.

I am not a girl for fashion but I know I will be in a frenzy over makeup and hair and clothes, I just wanna look good in his eyes. I wanna say that looks don't matter, but some people care, I know he doesn't.

I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Well something like that ;)

B

xxx

Looks Like Rain

So he likes me.



I dream about him every night. I have never enjoyed sleep more and I now wake up with a satisfied smile that a boy who is not, a player, heartbreaker, obnocious, obsessed with sex and isn't completelt stupid actually likes me!



And yesterday he told me he loved me.



But no, not in english.



In japanese.



I looked it up on google translator which until he told me I didn't even know existed. I looked at all the links which said I love You. This must be wrong, I thought. But then I looked and it said "Translated to: I love you and next to it Not Quite Right? Edit.



I thought how can it be right. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him. Sure he loves video games but he wants to design them for a living. At last a guy who wants do something realistic! Ok, I know what I want to do may not be counted as "A real job".



But it's happening.



Love.



A real, something.



I'm seeing him tomorrow and I can barely wait and my stomach flips over like a dozen times every time I think about it.

I look hideous. Giant spot on nose! I LOOK LIKE RUDOLPH THE FLIPPING REINDEER!

But Jack says he doesn't care and that we're all tens! At last a guy who isn't all hung up on looks. Is it any wonder he's the one who stole my heart?

The sun is out.

And today it may be raining.

But tomorrow the suns coming out, and everthing I've ever wanted. Ever dreamed up when I was sad will be there with it to take away that feeling, in me. The feeling of eternal loneliness, loss of hope will be gone with rain.

Happier days ahead.

But then no one knows what's around the corner ;)

Speak later my little bloggers.

Love

B

xx

Last Summer

I am going to have fun this summer. No more crying next to the phone waiting for calls that don't come because let's face it their never coming.

I though did have a lovely shock when ex called and MOTHER picked up. She never even knew about him. This took some perfectly constructed lying to wriggle out of scot free. I mean if there's one thing a writer can do it's pull an idea out her ass.

But this summer it's all gonna be fun.

No crying over any boys cos they don't spend half as much energy agonizing over you.

I mean most guys know after getting dumped come out with the very heart felt line of "So got any hot girl mates?" Oh how heart broken they are NOT!

Yes, I'm gonna let my hair down, literally and metaphorically and have a little fun. And most importantly store up on rainbow socks all set for the technicolour winter! I love winter more tahn summer even though I was born in autumn!

Now shall proceed with weirdy wonky life.

ttfn

B

xxx

She's All That

YES I AM ALL THAT! AND I HATE YOU FOR TELLING ME OTHERWISE!

Ok, I do not think highly of myself. Lowly thinking would be too high for me. But when you trusted someone for sooo long, when you sacrificed so much. When you had your heart set on what they told you and protested when someone said it was wrong. When you beleived in it all soooo much that it was one of those things that kept you going, as you can imagine hearing it was all a lie . . . an act you would feel devestated. Kinda like finding out santa claus isn't real.

I asked Boyfriend something and here is how our conversation went:

Me: Hi. Why have you been ignoring me?
Boyfriend: There is no point talking to you cos I hardly know you
(How does he hardly know me you ask. Five months of sweat blood and tears and he doesn't know me? Read on to find out.)
Me: How the hell can you not know me, I used to be your girlfriend for gods sakes!
Boyfriend: I only asked you out cos you were fit
(For anyone who is not familiar with this, it is a sleazy british way of calling a girl pretty. I hate it with every part of me. I hate it with a passion! I mean, call a girl beautiful, pretty, sexy don't call her FIT! It doesn't show anything abouy your true feelings and sounds lazy and stupid, like she's just a pin-up. I was seething at this as you can imagine. I thought he actually gave a shit about just turns out I was just a body, a pretty face. Nothing else. Nothing about my personality, purely physical. Purely meaningless.)
Me: So you never loved me is that what you're saying?
Boyfriend: Oh for fucks sake. of course I loved you why else would I call you fit?
Me: Theres a difference between love and lust you moron
Boyfriend: Look I can't be arsed to argue at the moment ok
Me: Fine by me

The End

The last time I will EVER and I mean EVER trust one word a guy says to me. This was the first time and this was so the last. I was so mad after. I cried for a few minutes and then I thumped my pillows and the walls until my hands hurt. I imagined it was his face. How dare he! How dare he! My hate is deeper now than ever.

And now I have got myself a boyfriend. Lewis.

I don't trust him though. I am smart enough and know him way too well to do something as bone headed as that. But we've lasted over a week which I know for him is like three years worth of a relationship. It's serious. But I've built a hard brick wall around my self and no man is getting in. I don't think anyone will be strong enough to break the walls down. And if there is . . .

Well we'll just have to see won't we.

B

xx

Depression

I do appear to be happy but I only appear. You dig deeper and you'll see the tangled and generally real and fucked up version of who I am. I know that I cry I lot and that I have like nil confidence and some days it's just hard to get up and go to school, once I tried faking I was ill. But then I found out that there was a disease hooked up to depression. I'm always telling my friend Jessica when I'm older I'll suffer from depression but I never thought to look at the symptoms and see if I have it now.

I do.

I have over ten of the symptoms and it said over five. A new label to go by this is, the girl with clinical depression. The extreme Emo. But I don't want everyone to know. I don't want to tell my parents and ask if I can go to the doctor to get tests and treatment. My mum doesn't know how much I cry or how useless I feel. I don't want her to.

It's not something I want to broadcast to the world.

I thought of telling Jack but then if you were a guy would you want to hang out with someone who has clinical depression?

I don't think so.

Who am I gonna tell?

I don't know. . .

I have to go.

B

xx

Bleeding On Your Shirt

Yes, I like to do my own thing and don't expect me to cancel a night out with my girlfriends to be with you but we all cave sometimes don't we? For that one person? But no I stand firm at cancelling plans with people. But while I was as always looking for new music to listen to when writing I came upon a song I love and there's this one line which I truly love.

"If you slit my throat, with my last gasping breathe I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt."- Taking Back Sunday

I love that! I guess cos I really get what they mean. No matter what that person does to you, you're still falling for them. Which brings me to another fantastic song line from another one of my fave bands.

"Hit me or whip me, I'd savour each lash."- Say Anything

Again perfectly demonstrating my point, sometimes love is so strong you just give up caring and savour everything that person does to you. And yes I have used the L word and I mean Jack. And I do love him. DAMN!

Is it just me or is falling like getting murdered. Maybe you'll put up a fight, maybe you won't. But either way you're left with nothing and sometimes you lose your life. And he's being so sweeet I just want to blurt it out and see if maybe he likes me. Me who doesn't even own a mini skirt that actually FITS (I have some from when I was like . . . eleven!), me who likes books better than television and computer, me with the cray curly hair and those glasses I have to wear in class and lets not forget those REEEEEAAALLLY stylish braces I should be getting.

I can't say I like him (the word love tends to scare guys off though he is not like usual guys I won't push my luck) because he still has a girlfriend. But when eventually they break up (please let it be soon) then I'll take that risk and speak those three magic words. Hmmm, maybe it shouldn't come that soon.

B

xx

A guy like Danny

I am dragging myself out of sadness and going into town to see my hearts one and only desire. And yes he has a girlfriend who he loves (GAAAH) but the odds are they will break up. If they don't then I don't know, I just might jump off a bridge or something.

But I have wonderful friends. Like my friend who we will call Danny. Oh he's just wonderful and funny and sweet and a little shorter than me and wishes he was a turtle so he can hide in his shell. I love talking to him and helping him with his girlfriends who always ALWAYS stop talking to him for no reason. And when he asks them what's wrong they always say "It's just you, the way you are". I don't get it.

I have no idea what it is about him which drives them around the bend. But it never takes him long to get back on his feet with another girl so it's not like it costs major heart break. He's in the middle of one of those "It's not me, it's you, you jackass!" kinda things right now and though they still haven't broken it off he's interested in my friend who we call Cat.

She'll be the first one he'll be calling when he breaks up with his girl. Oh Danny.

Every girl should have a guy like Danny. ;)

B

xxx

Will You Cry A Tear For Me?

This is why being in love with someone who doesn't love you is bad. They talk about the other person they DO love. So we were having a good conversation then he brings her up and I thought I wouldn't mind but I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and had to fight back tears. My head was filled with thoughts like, why isn't it me? What's wrong with me?

I hated it, hated it, hated it. And on top of that my ex who yes I am over him but my friend reminded him of how he would fight for me back if we were every apart and how he would love me forever. And he said "I found somebody better". Now that was slap in the face.

Then my friend goes and calls me a slag.

And I'm just left thinking. Why me? Why am I not good enough, why am I second best, or the consolation prize? I'm not hideously disfigured, I'm funny, I'm smart, I like to have fun, what's wrong with me? Am I just completely unlovable? Am I doomed to be heart broken forever? Cos that's how I feel now, heartbroken, beaten and defeated.

There has to be someone out there . . . anyone . . . who'll I dunno . . . save me . . . from . . . depression and pain and . . . reality and carry me off into the fantasy world and do his best to change the world for me so it won't hurt me anymore. And it wouldn't because he'd be around . . .

Like a superhero.

My superhero.

Oh if only. But for now all I can do is cry my tears and fake a smile and I guess . . . I'll be alright. Who needs love when you have heart ache?

B

xx

A thought to mull over

Just walking into town to grab my friends birthday present really quick I slap on the music encase I see him. I don't want to look like something the cat dragged in, though my hair just couldn't be tamed sadly. But every time I turned a corner I hoped I might see him. It's stupid, he never told me he was going into town today, he said he'd be in town on Tuesday. I hate going into town in the middle of the week but maybe for him I could make an exception. . .

But is he really worth me having to take the bus home?

Now that's a thought to mull over.

B

xx

Remember When . . .

It's sad when things die, when you stop and you remember how things used to be and how in such short time it's now a completely different story all together. I think its very sad and now its happened to me and I just wondered, if I did this would it be better. But maybe it's something that has to happen, maybe it would change the order of the other things.

Boyfriend now doesn't talk to me. He doesn't text or call or even IM me. It's like he's someone else, like I'm someone else strangers. I remember when he asked me to marry him. Yeah I know we're only teenagers but it wasn't me who proposed in the middle of the street.

He was dead serious, and all embarasssed. Can you blame him? And I'm a sucker for all this cheesy stuff so I said yes. I couldn't stop laughing and he hugged and kissed me.We wove a whole future plan together, the big house in london, I'd write all day and he'd jam with his band, in the evenings we would go out to fancy restaurants or I'd go to his gig or we'd just stay at home and be us. . .

But we're not us anymore. We're him and me. We're two seperate people. Suddenley cold shouldered strangers. Are we even friends really? I don't know. I wish I did. Do I wish this never happened?

I don't know.

Bad things happen for a reason they say. But what's the reason? So I can fall for someone who'll raise me up and bring me crashing down to rock bottom again? Yes, that is a truly great reason!

But then again I don't know how the universe works, there might be something amaing lying around the corner shop . . .

B

xx

This Isn't Love

We all have this craving to be loved and to love someone. It puts the mind at some ease is what my mother says, but what ease is there? Sure when you're alone you worry all about being single but when you're not you just worry about how you'll lose it, trying to keep the person happy so you stay together and don't end up picking up the pieces of you're heart all alone.

I am in the well known situation of liking someone who thinks of us as "Just Friends". That phrase taunts me. I've watched the movie many times and thought it so funny but I don't think I ever really understood until now. Now, I know exactly how it feels to want to bash your head against the wall because he won't stop going on about that girl the girl you wish you were so maybe he'd like you like that.

But luckily he doesn't go on about her too much and we have a good joke around and cool conversations. It's not fair that she got there first, but I can't just blame her, maybe whatever the situation it just wouldn't be. That's the reality of things, because some people love the same person their whole life and die alone without that person.

But dreaming . . . dreaming makes it possible. And I don't spend two hours in the bathroom for nothing. I need to look perfect. My hairstyle shouldn't say friend it should say girlfriend. It's quite horrible being in love with your so-called friend. Who knows one of these glorious days maybe I'll stop liking him.

My friends say I love him.

I don't love him.

And if I have used the word towards him then very loosely.

I can't be in love with him. Liking your friend is one thing, but liking your friend as something more than a friend is a complete different shop full of shoes.

OK, so I always go out with him in town and my heart soars every time he touches my hand or puts his arm around me. And yeah I run home so I can talk to him on MSN and take forever thinking of cool funny things to say to make him lol. And yes I wrote my name plus his in my book in a heart and yes I think about him all the time and when I'll see him next. But I am not in love with him.

I just like him a lot that's all.

Must go now, Jack's come online and I wanna talk to him!

B

xx

All in the past

I don't know but our teacher got us thinking. And it wasn't something boring and trivial to turn us all into monotonous clones. No, it was about past lives. She talked about people who remembered things they had never witnessed in their present lives. I heard a story years ago about a boy who remembered this house, the path and all but had never been there.

I would love to know who I was before this. Would I be the same person? Did I look similar? What were my dreams? Loves? Ambitions? What did I hate? What were my friends and family like and who were my favourite teachers in school? Was I partly the same or someone completely different. Someone completely unlike me.

Maybe I was a beggar girl, living on the cold streets of New York City.

Maybe I was a boy for all I know!

Maybe I was an artist and spent hours in an airy room painting my way out of a deeply flawed world.

It's amazing to think who you could have been, what you could have been and maybe even if it somehow influenced you in this life. I like things without a rational explanation, without an exact science. Like tears which my science teacher said no one knows exactly or maybe he just won't tell us because it is not on the curriculum.

I hope I helped people in my old life. I wondered if I had any romances then, perhaps I died young and didn't get to that age. I could have died a cot death.

The possibilities are endless but maybe I'm brand new. . .

Who do you think you'd be? And would you want to be anyone other than yourself?

B

xx

Love Is Inherently Tragic

Everything is like a pear shaped lemon. They were just pear shaped before but now it is incredibly worse. It all get's worse at one point.

He is coming back. Boyfriend is coming back. Seems more like a holiday than immigrating. He's not supposed to come back. He's supposed to stay put and out of my life. I've moved on, I now am crazy about this guy who we will call Jack. Yep, completely nuts. And I think he might like me too. If I'm lucky . . .

But Boyfriend see I told him a few days ago I still liked him the tiniest bit. You will laugh but I didn't want to be rude cos he said he still wanted me. I know how it feels when someone doesn't like you back and it seriously sucks and sure he put me through hell but I didn't want to be mean. I am way too nice.

So he wants us to get back and I am lost on how to tell him. I don't want to get back with him, I only just got over him. I don't want to set myself back on all that hard work and stuffing of chocolate. My friends think it's easy but it's just how he describes it eg. "We were like a love story you and me, perfect with a happy ending" I mean how can you say you don't love a guy like that? I don't now but god I used to and that means something to me.

I have to tell him tonight. It's been driving me crazy all day. I am on the edge of having to punch someone in the face because of my frustration. I mean, what happened to simple?

Or maybe it was always complicated and I just didn't notice . . .

I want him to stop wanting me but on the other hand I want him to stay loving me because it's just nice to know for certain someone out there cares, you know?

You may think it's selfish . . . maybe it is selfish to want to know you are loved. But it's what I want and strangely a sort of need. Because I have seriously low self-esteem I need self assurance and I usually get the opposite to a point where I feel suicidal.

So I'll just have to tell him and he probably will hate me and never talk to me again but I guess it's better than pretending just to be nice.

Wish me luck

B

xx

Like I Care

Lew lew cheated on me then lied. Ha ha! Great thing is I couldn't care less. I had a right go at him for it though, I had the last word and seconds after he was after another one of my friends. My god is he tacky!

I'm fine for the moment, no major heart ache and tears here, well never over Lewis, I'd rather kill myself than cry over that sorry bastard! He's really not worth it. But I am not that strong cos well I can't help but compare Boyfriend. One of us might mess up and we'd fight but he'd never ever call me anything bad, he'd never insult me or call me any of those horrible things. He never got really mad at me and I never got really mad at him. So sad he had to . . . change.

But change happens to all of us, I guess. Doesn't it? Well of course it does, at one point, we change a bit sometimes a lot, sometimes for the best sometimes for the very worst. I wonder what kind of change this is? I'm thinking bad but I'm biased on this sorta thing.

Going to see a movie and shop on Saturday which ought to cheer me up heaps. And take my mind off these unfortunate events.

Ta Ta!

B

xxx

Moving on

I have moved on to another guy. But he's horrible and has already cheated me not that I care cos I hate him to bits and wish he would drop down a hole or something. I really, really, really, don't care. But I do look forward to yelling at him and I beeped my exes phone when it was phone in the morning tehre! Oh yeah, I'm good! :c)

Fan-bloody-tastic!

My mobile phone is conspiring against me. It hates me, it must do. I just sit there half the time staring at it. Because I am pathetic enough to beleive that he may still love me, and want to talk to me or something crazy stupid like that! I mean, if I was me I wouldn't want to talk to me,I would ignore myself. I hate myself sometimes, I mean who does this?! Who breaks up with a guy she's googly over? I thought it would be good to do the adult thing, cos hes not coming back. He made that clear and we're in completely different time zones, so it would be impossible to communicate and postcards just aren't enough. Cos I know how these things work, the guy fades out and you wait week after week waiting for a letter, an e-mail, a text that will never come and be left all alone wondering what YOU did wrong. It's god awful!

I hate this as well. Almost as much, I hate being this way. I have locked away all the pictures, stupid diary entries, I don't want to remember. I want to forget everything, I'll be happier. Ok, wrong, I was miserable before I met him, and now I'm miserable now he's going, it's a lose lose situation, eh?

I torture myself with it all, especailly the first time he ever said "I love you" some good that is to me now. My friends think I am mad, since I dumped him. For the last time I didn't do it cos I didn't love him I did it cos he's not the kinda guy you bet all your money on, he's prone to disapointment, like how he says he'll call and you fall asleep next to the phone but he never does, how if you need him to be there he might be one thousand miles in the opposite direction, that he isn't going to remember, that he gets bored easily, that sometimes he gets upset and he doesn't want to talk to anyone, and sometimes he gets mixed about his feelings and messes up and with all of that I know, I just know that he'll fade out and get together with some girl who's prettier, dumber, sportier and into heavy metal.

I'm ok when I'm with other people but I do need a hug more than often. But being alone is pure torture. Nothing to distract myself from my self torture. I swear I will need cpunselling. And I keep getting all these scenes where he calls me and what I'll say and I just . . . I'm falling to peices.

Great, and I have exams day after tomorrow, fan-bloody-tastic!

Broken Hearts And Torn Up Letters

I love that song by Lostprophets! And at this moment it's more than just a song. I dumped my boyfriend. I actually dumped him! It has to be the scariest thing I've ever done. But I had to do it I mean he's going off to the other side of the world for crying out loud and I don't think that would work too well. So yeah, he still wants us to be friends and stuff, which I get since we've been through quite a lot together. And I know I'd get hurt if we stayed together. But damn this hurts too, I mean it's not like I'm still not nuts over him.

It was horrible this morning. I woke up and for a second I was fine cos it's Saturday and I don't have to wake up at 6am and then I remembered yesterday . . . that's when I started crying. I didn't make one sound, if I did my mum would wonder if I was being shot or something. I feel like I've been shot though. But like my friend Jessica said "I'll get over it". Inspirational words those are.

Now on Monday when people ask me about my boyfriend I'll have to say I dumped him and that he's moving to Australia, oh joy! It just gets better and better eh?

Luv

B

xx

The update . . .

I was never a simple person. So updates are more like year long descriptions. I'll try and keep this simple because there's been lots of things going on. Boyfriend has managed to make my friend hate his guts and almost hate me. His words are as sharp as a blade and can cut you into peaces, if you're on the wrong side of him, luckily he's never had a fight with me cos I'd sure give him a run for his money. My friend has managed to think what she thinks is prince charming but I am pretty sure is gay. I have performed a play which went terribly as one of our actors decided to take go walkies so we were all thinking "Where the hell did she go? Someone say something!" And have confused myself immensely, and have lied to people and I don't know why, but not little lies, big lies which were in vain. Oh and swotting for horrible exams. I hate exams, I get all nervous and I can just hear the voices in my head going "You can't do this. You'll end up working at Burger King. You'll never get into university." I really despise those voices sometimes.

I am incredibly stressed and only last night did Boyfriend announce he might be moving back to Australia, like I didn't have enough to worry about with my prince not so charming deciding he's gonna move to the other side of the planet!

I had a little moment with this guy in the train station. Dark, amazingly handsome, a few years older and he smiled and winked at me. He seemed like a nice person even he was at that moment being arrested. Hmmm my heart raced over some guy who was getting arrested at the train station, what does that tell you about me?

I am having horrible writers block with the third in my series. I really want to carry it on cos she's supposed to get engaged at the end of it. And I hate not finishing stories, I feel like a quitter. Though maybe we'd have less wars if people quit and just left things as they are. I think it's horrible people going and fighting over like money or gold or whatever the hell they think is so damn important they have to kill a load of innocent people to get it.

I am currently broke so I can't buy any books. Which breaks my heart in several places and am re-reading the Princess Diaries. I have also managed to raise my grade in math which rules! I don't know how it happened but I got 89% on my test. This has never ever happened! EVER! I am like the worst person at math and got 22 out of 35 on my practice mental maths test two days ago but I still got eighty nine percent. The problem with the mental maths is I don't have enough time to work it all out. So I make dumb mistakes a blind man could see!

I have an ongoing headache with my life lately. And this one song on my Cd FUNHOUSE "Glitter In The Air" makes me want to cry. I am a seriously depressed person, but so is my best friend, I think I got it off her, she's been depressed for as long as I can remember and seeing as we spend so much time togetehr I sort of picked up on it. Now we match!

And I am now in love with this band LOSTPROPHETS but not their Metal stuff their new stuff which is softer. I love Ian Watkins, don't know why but I find him gobsmackingly sexy and every time he's on TV I just gaze at him and try not to drool at his yumminess. I am sooo weird.

Ta ta!

B

xxxxx

Mistakes

From seven thirty to midnight on Mondays till Fridays I have free unlimited texts. That's why I have come to loathe weekends. Usually no one ever texts me back to the next day at noon where I don't have my free texts so it's pretty useless. But this guy I know, who is a friend of mine well he texts back straight away and we end up talking for almost two hours to each other texting. Back and forth, back and forth, constant, in sync. I'm guilty to say I enjoy it. Why am I guilty? Because this boy who we shall call Lewis has a crush on me, he's had a crush on me for a while. Don't know why he does, he must have been dropped on his head as a baby or something. But anyway, I now if Boyfriend knew that five days a week I have long conversations with a guy who's in love with me, well he would have something to say.

I mean is there anything really wrong with texting a guy as a friend even if he's not feeling the whole "friend" concept for you, when you have a boyfriend? Maybe, just possibly not, but what if this person asks you a question let's say, that if you were single would you then be willing to go out with them, and you answer yes, now is that wrong when you have a dedicated boyfriend? Yes very rightly it is! I feel like one of those girls, the ones who have secret steamy relationships behind their boyfriends back and feel no guilt or regret what so ever. But I'm not doing anything, though I feel like I have signed my soul off to the devil.

I feel like crap every time I talk to him, there he is telling me in his own weird way how in love with me he is and there I am smiling nodding while promising the second it's over I'll get off with another guy? I'm scum, but I'm not one of those girls, because I wanna tel l him and I feel horrible and all. But who knows maybe he won't think of it as betrayal or doing anything wrong, but I do. I think I'm a horrible person, I am a horrible horrible person for saying that, but I had coffee that morning and I don't usually do that so maybe it wasn't completely my fault. Oh my good now I'm trying to blame liquids on my stupidity!

There should be some sort of decision making helpline for relationships so you can ask what's right and what's wrong and just what is crossing the line. There really should and I solemnly swear when I am licensed to do so I will make a helpline for this sort of thing and have people train for it and no longer will poor lovesick people world over have to suffer silently or ramble on about their problems to poor, unsuspecting people on their blogs, they will be able to fix it, like that.

I know no ones listening to anything I say on here but it's nice to get it out there, to know that it's out there, in the universe, floating around somewhere.

So the question I want to ask all of you, which I would really like you to think about.

What is the worst thing you have ever done in a relationship, why and if you had the chance would you change it?

I guess you all know my answer and probably might think it is minor compared to the things you may have done but don't worry, I am young I have pleeentty of time to make mistakes.

XXXX

All alone

Everyone needs someone right? I hear some people say they don't need anyone. That's not true, how lonely would it be for someone if all you had was your own company, no friends, no family, no love. I find it truly depressing that some people actually live like that, completely on their own.

Surely it shouldn't be allowed. Being alone, completely alone, is the kind of thing that drives people to suicide, when you think no ones there then you think no ones care so who cares what you do to yourself, who cares if you slit your wrists and drug yourself until your heart stops beating all together. I feel sorry for people like this or people who have had people they know commit suicide.

Because I don't know but me, I hate fighting with my friends, especially the suicidal ones because if they killed themselves I just know I'd think it is my fault and feel super guilty. So that's why when I see people sitting alone I say hi. Because you never know how that person maybe thinking or feeling, do you?

Confusing me

I have a met a guy who we shall call Lucky. Skinny boy with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He's two years older than I am and when he was threw whacked his sister round the head with a frying pan. I quite like him and he gets all my wonderful stories of how I used to throw chairs at people who took my toys in nursery!

Today was my friends birthday. Just guess what her name is! And of course I forget until someone reminds and then go rushing to her arms open and wrap her in a hug yelling "HAPPY BIRTHDAY WELCOME TO HELL!" and she laughs.

"I know you forgot, you were too busy dreaming about Lucky right?" they said and I only stuck my tongue out. I am devoted to Boyfriend with my heart and soul and anything else you can think of.

Then I told my other friend about it and of course she wanted to know who Lucky was. I reminded her of something I told her a few days ago and she got with it and then came the confusion.

"You haven't talked about Boyfriend lately," she said looking at me. Then she does this thing where she puts her tongue over her front teeth and raises her eyebrows, I know exactly what that look means.
"I know that look! Do not give me that look OK? That look is the way your face goes when you think I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing, but I'm not doing anything that you think that I'm doing, alright?" I protest.
"I'm just saying, usually he goes to jail , gets in a fight or ends up saying I love you to a lamp post whilst drunk, how come no news?" she asked.
"He gets in a fight everyday, if I bother reporting it my throat will stop working!"
"Oooh tough guy!"

I could kill my friends sometimes. I am not doing anything. Sorry if I happen to know other guys and sometimes occasionally talk about them. And on top of it all my friend isn't talking to me. WARNING LIBRAS! TODAY IS NOT THE DAY FOR FRIENDSHIP OR TO BE TALKING TO YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT BOYS! Steer clear of friends and male conversation topics.

xxxx

Change my name & cut my hair

Don't you ever want to start over? Do you ever want to just change your name and cut your hair and go someone where no one knows you and see what happens? I am forever curious on this topic. But I am generally a very curious person. If you tell me not to press the big red button that clearly says with an arrow pointing to it (DO NOT PRESS THIS BUTTON) you bet I will press it just to see what happens. Once I was on this quiz where every time it said "Do not Click" and I must have pressed it three hundred times until it worked out I just don't listen it was quite amusing since there was a funny little message every time I press. There goes my weird sense of humour again.

But I do wish it most times, they say you write from experience and I want all those experiences, maybe that's why I like to write so much because I can disappear inside myself and become someone completely different and for once call the shots. If I want a character to die, the character will die (but I tend not to do this since I don't like being really evil to my characters even if they are figments of my imagination.)

But if you had to runaway and cut your hair and change your name, just what would you do? Maybe a write a story and find out.

xxxx

Secret Obessions

Everyone has a secret obsession right? For some it is drinking (Yes that means you Boyfriend), for others it is drugs and some, chocolate or coffee. For me it is not any of these things (OK maybe a little a bit with chocolate and coffee) but mostly . . . (wait for it) shoes. Hmm . . . you weren't expecting that were you?

But it is true though I own hardly any shoes at all since money does not seem to exist in my world so I can never buy anything. I like the high heels, and all the cool funky decorations and I love boots. I die for boots! (Yes I know I'm weird).

But Boyfriend is cutting down on alcohol, cos he didn't go out and get smashed on Saturday night. Not the biggest improvement, but step by step.

xxxx

Clear as day

Have got the glasses!

This got me thinking of beauty and how they say beauty is only skin deep. Yes beauty may be skin deep, but who apart from your doctor is going to look any deeper than that? We are slaves to this thing called Beauty because let's face it the very first thing a person notices about you is your looks, well most of the time. So we want to look as much like us as possible, right? But half the time we forget about looking like ourselves but wonder how we can look attractive. Not the same thing.

We shouldn't be so wrapped up in our looks, because at the end of the day what's inside is what really counts even if the fashion magazines and makeup ads beg it's not. I mean if we judged people solely on what they look like then we're just being shallow and horrible which is why I tend to lightly (or not so lightly) thump my friends every time they make a crack about someones appearance. Because in most cases, the most beautiful people are really the ugliest.

That is all.

xxx

Pictures I Love (don't ask why)

Don't know why I chose these but sometimes I just have these days where all I want to do is just find some pictures and smile and laugh at what's on them.

This one I think looks like a rainbow exploded on her lips!

This is just a taste of the good old teenage years I am living through right now with my big smile. :)






This I think is a wonderful and pretty picture to say "I love you".







Oh well we can all relate to this one and if you can't you are too perfect and must leave this blog at once!






This is just down right cute! I love Pon & Zi so much. Their so cute and weird and romantic and they make me giggle. Bless you Jess Thomas!



Will thin I will go now. Bye people!

Ugly Belle

Soon, (tomorrow) to be exact I will be getting glasses! Oh doesn't every teenager just dream of going straight to the optician after school to get her knew dark blue thick rimmed glasses? I don't think so. Which reminds me I haven't told Boyfriend but he can't exactly talk since HE used to have glasses (I have the picture) *cue evil laughter*. But I only have to wear them in class, and watching TV. Note to self: Never watch TV ever again around Boyfriend or friends of any kind.

It's unlikely that people will call me four eyes, because it seems that more people are shot sighted these days, which is the same with braces, almost everyone, has them, had them or is getting them. I'm getting them as soon as my mum has the money.

But to be honest I look like a geek already, I really don't need the glasses making the geekiness even worse. But to be honest I quite like being a geek, actually it's one of my favourite words. :)

Well who knows maybe I'll look pretty (and maybe my uncle Louiss will fall out of the sky and start singing happy birthday!)

P.S. Do not have an uncle Louiss

Just be yourself. . .

It's become a sort of mantra, I think and most of the time we follow it and repeat it to our selves over and over and over "Just be yourself". But the sad thing is that being yourself is not always . . . good thing, well for other people.

See I was thinking. I think a lot, no wonder I get so many head aches at the end of the day. But in my random train of thought I stumbled upon this phrase and I wondered just how often do we actually follow this whole being our selves things because lets face it we're not our selves the whole way. We change for people we like, love or adore. We change because we're afraid that if we're just us . . . then maybe that person would reject us. Sad thought really.

Then I thought about who I am most myself around. I came to the conclusion that my best friend JJ and my other pally who I have been with since we were three and I couldn't even speak English at the time and spoke really bad Spanish, Sharon. But everyone else, I try not to go overboard on the whole "Just be your self" thing because even they find it quite painful sometimes.

Then seeing as I thought of the person I was most myself around I had to think of the person I am least myself around. I thought about this and I thought about this, then I ate a cookie and then I thought some more. I came to the very sad and disappointing conclusion that the person I am least myself around is Boyfriend. That is really bad seeing as well he's my boyfriend. The thing is though . . . we're almost completely different. He likes dark things, I like colour. He likes horror movies, I like romantic comedies. He likes alcohol, I'm fine with a coke. He's loud, I'm quiet (mostly). He's confident, I have the self esteem of a Nat. Hardly the same. Well we have the same colour hair but that was only cos he dyed it.

But also he gets in trouble, all he has to do is walk into a classroom and he'll be sent out. I like to stay out of trouble and as far as he's concerned I get detentions and don't hand in my homework on time, which is sometimes the case but only when I'm having a bad week. He would probably rethink our whole relationship if he knew that I heart English, and that I think William Shakespeare is like one of the most amazing people like ever, or that I write whole novels, or the fact that I have more books than people have cells in their body.

He'd probably think I was joking him. Yeah, he would burst out laughing more like and think it was April fools day. Then he'd probably be really shocked and then pretend he was falling asleep when I started talking book speak. No, that's not fair on him. He'd probably pretend to listen for a while and then safely steer the conversation in a different direction, but I know for sure he would wonder just what he was doing with me.

But I'm trying to be more myself, I tell him a bit more stuff (not the book stuff, baby steps, baby steps) and who knows maybe in a couple of months he'll actually see who I really am and maybe, just maybe he'll be able to handle that I just might be a bit smarter than him, a bit less rebellious and definitely a lot more weird.

And if he doesn't handle it . . . well it was nice while it lasted.

xxxx

Typical

Is it just me or is it genetically in a guys blood to be obsessed with football. I mean seriously why do they all seem to know how to play it or get themselves so worked up over the scores, it's just a game isn't it? It's like when baby boys are born the doctor takes them away and injects this obsession with football into their brains, that's the only way I can explain it, really. Or perhaps boys are from another planet, maybe a whole different universe and there football is worshipped in the way we worship Jesus. That would explain so much. Me and my friend were talking on MSN and we decided to ask every boy online if they liked, played, football. Every single one apparently "loves" football. And then right after they all start boasting how good they are at it, ha ha I'd like to see that match!

xxxx

Summer Plans

My big sister lives in Washington DC and has been studying to be lawyer. My mum says for summer I can go stay with her since I love America (but New York is my favourite) and plus though London does have it's perks after living there for minus three years of your life it gets kind of old.

Sure I love the museums and book stores and Big Ben (for more reasons than one) and I have this thing for Oxford and Trafalgar square. But I've been there done that got the T-shirt.

But with America it's exciting new and wonderful, I love all the sights there too and the food and the book stores and the people and I've only been once. I saw New York and New Jersey and I think that Queens looks like just about the most adorable place ever!

So you can tell that I am truly ecstatic to be able to spend four blissful weeks away from the Topsy turvy life I have formed here in London and have a breathe of a fresh air in a place unlike my own habitat.

I have not told Boyfriend yet but that is only because he probably has these plans for us to go out lots, watching movies, eating junk food, scaring little old ladies in the park and him pretending to listen to me prattle on about Shakespeare. And plus I think he even knows that I find American boys quite attractive and of course he doesn't like any boy that I find attractive (well accept for him of course!).

But I am not one of those sad, pathetic girls who bases her entire life around her Boyfriend. No, because to my astonishment I actually have a brain of my own and I tend to use it believe it or not. And if he pulls the old "sulky kid" routine then I hope he doesn't expect me to go flapping around him like a mother hen and promise not go.

He has his own life and it's not like there isn't Internet in the states or a phone for that matter. But anyway am very excited but still it's only March and a number of things could go wrong. All the airports could simultaneously burst into flames, the planet could be invaded by a heard of Pon & Zi looking Aliens who will heard us into our own countries and make us listen to seventies music or you know the very boring prospect that my mother, father or big sister change their minds but hopefully if the trip is cancelled it'll be for a much more exciting reason than that!

xxx

Funny & Cruel

We're lethal together. He's cruel (don't even get me started) and I'm funny in a weirdo sarcastic kind of way. But I can be cruel too, like how I keep a picture of him from a couple of years ago under my pillow (wait for it) so if I ever wake up and get bored in the middle of the night I can just take the picture out and laugh at him! But he can be funny too, his strange male sense of humour cheers me up most days and I think he's the only reason I actually don't jump off a bridge (it has crossed my mind thousands of times). But it's fun this game of love trying to make each other angry and jealous so you know their still nuts on you and making each other laugh just so you know the other person hasn't turned into the devils spawn!

I remember all the other guys I used to like. The one before boyfriend I was friends with until a few days ago when he decided that if he was going to wait for me and boyfriend to break up he would be waiting forever and has now deleted me from memory. Well good riddens!

And the one before that who I thought was Romeo but as soon as he found out I liked him ran for the hills faster than you could say "Run, Forest run!". I'm happy that I have someone who doesn't make me rethink the way I look in such a way that I feel suicidal and who is just as messed up, freakish and sick as me!


A wonderful thing love is! (Well most of the time)

xxxx

Baby it's fact

I loooooove the band HelloGoodbye and "Baby it's fact" is in my top ten favourite songs ever and that's something to be proud of. The lyrics are so sweeet and romanticn and make me want to laugh and dance and fall in love. Also I have a thing for geeky lead singers. Ha ha.

"Baby, it's fact our love is true,
The way black is black,
And blue is just blue,
My love is true it's a matter of fact,
Oh and you love me too, it's as simple as that,
Baby our love is true"

Don't you just want to fall in love? I recommend you listen to it immediatley! I have been listening to it all day. I have written another chapter because of it and I can't stop smiling. Now a song that makes you that cheerful just has to be the best song ever, right?

xxx

Competition

I always wonder what boys really talk about, but I think I get the gist of it really, girls, sex, money etc. But with boys you don't pour out all your woes and feeling no. You have this sort of weird competition which I found out when my mate (a male) and my boyfriend had a little chat. It was like a contest, who's band was better, who was a better drummer etc. It was quite pathetic especailly my boyfriend who may have a nice heart but boy that boy does not know when to shut up. But he made me laugh (a lot) though I felt like I was falling apart, those are the things that make me think life just wouldn't be fun without him around. Well I have had one hell of a day and I'd love to catch some zzzz's so I will stop rambling at you all and just let you happily get on with your peaceful lives. Well at least they were until I started blogging ha ha!

xxxxx

Born that way

I like to joke and say that I was born with a pen clenched in my chubby fist. But I swear it must be true because I love writing. I have written whole novels and I'm not that old yet. My friends think I am a a freak of nature (they have a valid point) and my parents say I'm a child prodigy but then they see my maths scores and change their minds! I'm writing a book now, its a sequel to something else I've written. I never write sequels for some reason, but I want to finish this one since I love the characters to bits! I get mixed up with reality sometimes and when people ask me things like what did you do with that boy you fancied I end up saying something detailed and elaborate but really I hid behind a tree so he wouldn't see that my hair was all over the place! I guess that's what happens when you spend more time worrying about what your character does than handing in your maths homework!