Ok, like two days ago, I went out with my mum and sister to park.
Going out with them, is never NOT embarrassing. Or uneventful.
We actually sat on a park bench and watched a black dog disappear behind a hedge only to hear his owners suddenly exclaim that said dog was now drowning.
Me and my mother didn't see the dog until it tried to drag itself up onto land, and failed, soaking us in the process. My mum insisted I jump in and save the dog. I can't swim! I looked at her from my slightly wet hair dripping around my face. I heard another splash as the other dog jumped in and got up and went to sit against the wall encase she would throw me in the pond or something.
They got out like two minutes later with no need for anyone to go jumping in heroically into the gungy, gross pond.
Then as I went to the toilets to try and dry myself off. I came out to see a running screaming child, running away from a bush, and sticking out of this bush I could see what were unmistakably my mothers shoes. I went there to see her lying in the bush my little sister trying to clamber up her.
What's worse is there were very cute boys watching whole time. Which always makes a embarrassing situation ten times worse!
"I thought it was you! I jumped out from the bush, and the little girl screamed and jumped, and then jas pushed me over when she tried to jump on me!" she laughed, almost crying.
"Your lucky the parents have a sense of humor," I say as they walked past laughing.
"I thought it was you, I swear," she giggled.
"But I'm not blond and two feet tall," I point out.
"Honest mistake!" she giggled and stood up, twigs in her hair and walked along still laughing swinging my little sisters hand, the twigs still in her hair!
Yes my family is truly mad!
But then I who am I to talk?
Love You Lots
Belle
xx
Tuesday, 25 August 2009
Just You And Me
Lewis + me= recipe for disaster
Now this is the . . . third time we've gone out. Now, it always is me who ends it, cos he always seems unaware of his actions. Or very aware and just likes to lie about it.
I'd like to say there was some great hidden meaning why we are drawn to each other, why we come back for more heartache, and more confusion. I'd like to say that secretly I have a feeling we are made for each other. Truth is, I don't.
There is no great phylisophical meaning why we like to date each other and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend when it is necessary.
It's just us.
Him and me.
It's what we do. But I do feel for my friends who have to listen to me complain about his massive screw-ups and who tell me it's a bad idea to go back down that road again. But I don't know . . . it's such a fun road.
I can almost kid myself he's a genuinely nice guy when I'm with him. Though I do tend to step back every now and then when we break up and think "God, he's an asshole!". But then he turns on the charm, the sweet talk. I tell myself to beleive it, because what more do I have to lose? Any last shreds of dignity went somewhere up the line.
So here we are again, with our dysfunctional ways which I have over the past nine months of knowing each other have fallen in love with. And I am thrilled, cos I swear he's getting better, getting to be less of a dick.
Progress.
One step at a time and who knows maybe one day . . . He'll be able to stay in a relationship for over two months without shamelessly hitting on everyone of his girlfriends friends.
I hope I live to see the day :)
Love
Belle
xx
Now this is the . . . third time we've gone out. Now, it always is me who ends it, cos he always seems unaware of his actions. Or very aware and just likes to lie about it.
I'd like to say there was some great hidden meaning why we are drawn to each other, why we come back for more heartache, and more confusion. I'd like to say that secretly I have a feeling we are made for each other. Truth is, I don't.
There is no great phylisophical meaning why we like to date each other and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend when it is necessary.
It's just us.
Him and me.
It's what we do. But I do feel for my friends who have to listen to me complain about his massive screw-ups and who tell me it's a bad idea to go back down that road again. But I don't know . . . it's such a fun road.
I can almost kid myself he's a genuinely nice guy when I'm with him. Though I do tend to step back every now and then when we break up and think "God, he's an asshole!". But then he turns on the charm, the sweet talk. I tell myself to beleive it, because what more do I have to lose? Any last shreds of dignity went somewhere up the line.
So here we are again, with our dysfunctional ways which I have over the past nine months of knowing each other have fallen in love with. And I am thrilled, cos I swear he's getting better, getting to be less of a dick.
Progress.
One step at a time and who knows maybe one day . . . He'll be able to stay in a relationship for over two months without shamelessly hitting on everyone of his girlfriends friends.
I hope I live to see the day :)
Love
Belle
xx
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Liar, liar!
We all tell lies.
I tell lies. I know I do. But never to hurt anyone, only to protect feelings and stop myself getting put on house arrest for bad behaviour, but usually to put a smile on someones face.
But lying to hurt people, and tear things apart, that's another thing all together. That is just sad, pathetic, and cruel. My ex-best friend thought it would be nice if she contacted my ex-crush who I am now actually quiet good friends with.
She pretended to send a e-mail on my behalf saying I couldn't stand him, and that he was selfish and only thought of himself and I never wanted to talk to him again. So not true, he's not one bit selfish and is caring, and I find talking to him fun.
He asked me about it, and me in utter shock pleaded total ignorance. He luckily believed my story of ex-best friend being evil sociopath blond girl. And I discussed the great tragedy of me looking like a mega dork whenever I put my glasses on and he told me I always looked beautiful. Sure I'm over him, but I couldn't help freak out the minute he was out of sight.
I also yesterday went out with Lina. We tried on heels in Debenhams but could so not walk in them. She looked like she was an old lady, kinda hunched over holding her back and I looked like a robot on a tight rope!
Was hilarious and then we plodded around barefoot in the shoe section looking for larger heels. Sure maybe immature but growing up is hard work and sometimes it's nice to act younger, just freeing really.
It gets old people telling you, about all this, you have to be great, better than everyone else, good marks, great scores, come top so you can make a ton of money and etc. We don't want all that shed load of responsibility. It's seriously scary and great stress maker. It's easier to do it without people saying it's the end of the world, less serious. Doesn't mean you'll flunk just that you won't hyperventilate every time you get a B, "OH DEAR GOD! SHE GOT A B! SHE'LL NEVER GET INTO OXFORD! SOMEONE HELP ME, I CANT BREATHE! DIAL 999 GOD DAMMIT!" OK, so they don't say this exactly but that's what their thinking!
Love u long time
B
xx
I tell lies. I know I do. But never to hurt anyone, only to protect feelings and stop myself getting put on house arrest for bad behaviour, but usually to put a smile on someones face.
But lying to hurt people, and tear things apart, that's another thing all together. That is just sad, pathetic, and cruel. My ex-best friend thought it would be nice if she contacted my ex-crush who I am now actually quiet good friends with.
She pretended to send a e-mail on my behalf saying I couldn't stand him, and that he was selfish and only thought of himself and I never wanted to talk to him again. So not true, he's not one bit selfish and is caring, and I find talking to him fun.
He asked me about it, and me in utter shock pleaded total ignorance. He luckily believed my story of ex-best friend being evil sociopath blond girl. And I discussed the great tragedy of me looking like a mega dork whenever I put my glasses on and he told me I always looked beautiful. Sure I'm over him, but I couldn't help freak out the minute he was out of sight.
I also yesterday went out with Lina. We tried on heels in Debenhams but could so not walk in them. She looked like she was an old lady, kinda hunched over holding her back and I looked like a robot on a tight rope!
Was hilarious and then we plodded around barefoot in the shoe section looking for larger heels. Sure maybe immature but growing up is hard work and sometimes it's nice to act younger, just freeing really.
It gets old people telling you, about all this, you have to be great, better than everyone else, good marks, great scores, come top so you can make a ton of money and etc. We don't want all that shed load of responsibility. It's seriously scary and great stress maker. It's easier to do it without people saying it's the end of the world, less serious. Doesn't mean you'll flunk just that you won't hyperventilate every time you get a B, "OH DEAR GOD! SHE GOT A B! SHE'LL NEVER GET INTO OXFORD! SOMEONE HELP ME, I CANT BREATHE! DIAL 999 GOD DAMMIT!" OK, so they don't say this exactly but that's what their thinking!
Love u long time
B
xx
Monday, 10 August 2009
Did You Forget
I discovered Demi Lovato's song, Did You Forget, some time ago. I liked it because well that's how you feel sometimes after a relationship like the other person went to some special clinic and had every moment you ever talked and spent together wiped clean from their brain.
But I forgot lately what it was like to go out with my best friend and giggle when boys checked us out. I forgot how fun it was to text each other on the bus about the cute guy sitting behind us, that we daren't speak about out loud cos he would hear.
It was fun. Girl fun. I missed my best friend.
And she in the past two weeks has started talking to Lover Dearest (how I will continue to call him) and actually I spent most of my time keeping her away from him cos me and Best Friend are very alike. But she isn't as shy, she's more out there, and maybe she's better. I had nightmares of him hooking up with her.
And I woke up today to see that he had her name on his IM. Now, this is a big deal, this means this person is special to you in boy world when you put a girls name on ur IM. I couldn't have felt worse if someone stabbed me in the heart with a rusty old knife. I stared gobsmacked for a second.
He doesn't talk to me anymore, but obviously he's having lots of fun talking to her. I could not bring myself to cry. Maybe I'm getting over him, cos sure it still hurts like hell but I'm not welling up, about to cry every five minutes. Progress.
So he forgot about me. Or he's having a good shot at forgetting me. His loss, I say.
Because there are some guys out there, who don't forget me in a second. Who actually CARE about what I do, and what I say. I got people who matter, he doesn't matter . . . he can't, when I don't matter to him.
Sorry but I have a book to write and black berry's to eat!
Love
B
xx
But I forgot lately what it was like to go out with my best friend and giggle when boys checked us out. I forgot how fun it was to text each other on the bus about the cute guy sitting behind us, that we daren't speak about out loud cos he would hear.
It was fun. Girl fun. I missed my best friend.
And she in the past two weeks has started talking to Lover Dearest (how I will continue to call him) and actually I spent most of my time keeping her away from him cos me and Best Friend are very alike. But she isn't as shy, she's more out there, and maybe she's better. I had nightmares of him hooking up with her.
And I woke up today to see that he had her name on his IM. Now, this is a big deal, this means this person is special to you in boy world when you put a girls name on ur IM. I couldn't have felt worse if someone stabbed me in the heart with a rusty old knife. I stared gobsmacked for a second.
He doesn't talk to me anymore, but obviously he's having lots of fun talking to her. I could not bring myself to cry. Maybe I'm getting over him, cos sure it still hurts like hell but I'm not welling up, about to cry every five minutes. Progress.
So he forgot about me. Or he's having a good shot at forgetting me. His loss, I say.
Because there are some guys out there, who don't forget me in a second. Who actually CARE about what I do, and what I say. I got people who matter, he doesn't matter . . . he can't, when I don't matter to him.
Sorry but I have a book to write and black berry's to eat!
Love
B
xx
Thursday, 6 August 2009
Dear Lover Dearest #3
Dear Lover Dearest,
I don't think it will ever work. Friends? I don't think so, I can tell you're wary of me like I have some horrible desease or something. I am DONE being the girl who is forever rejected. I can get out of this hole you've stuck me in.
So, I think it's time to bid all dreams of you goodbye.
I might write these letters that I will never send, more, to maybe let go of some feelings I may still keep inside. I have to go now and burn all the bridges I have made.
Lots Of Love Forever
B
xx
I don't think it will ever work. Friends? I don't think so, I can tell you're wary of me like I have some horrible desease or something. I am DONE being the girl who is forever rejected. I can get out of this hole you've stuck me in.
So, I think it's time to bid all dreams of you goodbye.
I might write these letters that I will never send, more, to maybe let go of some feelings I may still keep inside. I have to go now and burn all the bridges I have made.
Lots Of Love Forever
B
xx
Monday, 3 August 2009
Dear Lover Dearest #2
Dear Lover Dearest,
I have this urge to tell you my favourite fantasy of you and I.
Well if you knew me a bit better you would know I have this thing for rock stars. Seriously I drool at the sight of Ian Watkins with his shirt off. And I'm currently nutty for Josh Ramsay and his boyish ways. His lyrics are poetry, Shakespeare would take his hat off to him!
But anyway one of my favourite fantasies is you, turning up at my birthday party. It's a disco and you tell me you've got a surprise for me later.
I wait and wait and then you walk onto the stage where the band is performing. The music stops and the band mounts off and you take the mic. You look nervous for a moment but then you speak.
"This girl is hard to work out, and I have spent hours thinking of what she would really, really love. She's my girlfriend. I adore her, so I did buy her some iTunes vouchers. Now before you write me off as a cheap skate let me tell you the rest of her present. If you know anything about the music she likes you'll know she's dotty for rock stars. Now me being an average bloke, can hardly compare to their punk rock charm, and I know it's her ultimate dream for her to meet one of these rare and blue haired beasts. So, after much doling out of the cash, many many many phone calls and hours of talking. I managed to get the one and the only MARIANAS TRENCH to come here and do a few songs for the birthday girl. Everyody give it up for Marianas Trench!"
I would scream at the top of my lungs and rush over to where you are was. Fling my arms around you and kiss you so hard neither of us could breathe but we'd laugh as we broke away.
Then the song Lover Dearest would come on and you pull me onto the danc floor and everyone clears and you put your arms around my waist and I put mine around your neck and rest my head on your shoulder as we slow dance. I want to laugh and cry cos I know you love me, cos you never dance. EVER!! It's like against your religion. But you're willing to make the exception just for me . . .
And as the song finishes you whisper into my ear, "I'd hate to ruin the romance and all, but just so you know, you soooo owe me!"
Just the kind of thing you'd say at a perfect moment like that. Lol.
Who knows maybe one day it'll be a reality.
Lots of Love forever
B
xx
I have this urge to tell you my favourite fantasy of you and I.
Well if you knew me a bit better you would know I have this thing for rock stars. Seriously I drool at the sight of Ian Watkins with his shirt off. And I'm currently nutty for Josh Ramsay and his boyish ways. His lyrics are poetry, Shakespeare would take his hat off to him!
But anyway one of my favourite fantasies is you, turning up at my birthday party. It's a disco and you tell me you've got a surprise for me later.
I wait and wait and then you walk onto the stage where the band is performing. The music stops and the band mounts off and you take the mic. You look nervous for a moment but then you speak.
"This girl is hard to work out, and I have spent hours thinking of what she would really, really love. She's my girlfriend. I adore her, so I did buy her some iTunes vouchers. Now before you write me off as a cheap skate let me tell you the rest of her present. If you know anything about the music she likes you'll know she's dotty for rock stars. Now me being an average bloke, can hardly compare to their punk rock charm, and I know it's her ultimate dream for her to meet one of these rare and blue haired beasts. So, after much doling out of the cash, many many many phone calls and hours of talking. I managed to get the one and the only MARIANAS TRENCH to come here and do a few songs for the birthday girl. Everyody give it up for Marianas Trench!"
I would scream at the top of my lungs and rush over to where you are was. Fling my arms around you and kiss you so hard neither of us could breathe but we'd laugh as we broke away.
Then the song Lover Dearest would come on and you pull me onto the danc floor and everyone clears and you put your arms around my waist and I put mine around your neck and rest my head on your shoulder as we slow dance. I want to laugh and cry cos I know you love me, cos you never dance. EVER!! It's like against your religion. But you're willing to make the exception just for me . . .
And as the song finishes you whisper into my ear, "I'd hate to ruin the romance and all, but just so you know, you soooo owe me!"
Just the kind of thing you'd say at a perfect moment like that. Lol.
Who knows maybe one day it'll be a reality.
Lots of Love forever
B
xx
Sushi
I talked to Jack. I still love him terribly.
But the hurt is gone and maybe I can delude myself into thinking we're just friends. I did it before but he shattered it so beautifully. I love him.
I've created a playlist for falling asleep, last night I put my MP3 player on while I crashed out on the cushion so I didn't have to see or hear the horrific movie on telly and the soft music from my fave band Marianas Trench, sent me drifting off to sleep, and then the noisy dance stuff jolted me awake. So I put together a playlist called Bedtime Stories for me going to sleep, maybe I will have sweeter dreams now.
I will have to wait and find out.
I feel better and that's the point. Only a few hours ago I felt like dying.
I'm gonna make a change though. Enough of the old me with her boring clothes, I want to be bright, I want to be beautiful, I want to feel pretty not like I have to answer to any snotty bitches. I'm gonna get hair extensions. Just clip ons. But red and blue ones! I want to get a skirt. I don't OWN a skirt and I should. I want stripy socks! I want bright hair clips! The kind they sell in Primark!
I'm gonna get all of this and maybe some arm warmers in winter!
My parents will never approve but I can always apply them in the ladies. I'll look fab, I just know it! I'll be bright, I don't want attention I just want to give people a nice reason to look at me, not to weigh up how far I come on the ugly scale!
And if the world doesn't like it. SOD THEM! I WILL LOVE IT!
B
xx
But the hurt is gone and maybe I can delude myself into thinking we're just friends. I did it before but he shattered it so beautifully. I love him.
I've created a playlist for falling asleep, last night I put my MP3 player on while I crashed out on the cushion so I didn't have to see or hear the horrific movie on telly and the soft music from my fave band Marianas Trench, sent me drifting off to sleep, and then the noisy dance stuff jolted me awake. So I put together a playlist called Bedtime Stories for me going to sleep, maybe I will have sweeter dreams now.
I will have to wait and find out.
I feel better and that's the point. Only a few hours ago I felt like dying.
I'm gonna make a change though. Enough of the old me with her boring clothes, I want to be bright, I want to be beautiful, I want to feel pretty not like I have to answer to any snotty bitches. I'm gonna get hair extensions. Just clip ons. But red and blue ones! I want to get a skirt. I don't OWN a skirt and I should. I want stripy socks! I want bright hair clips! The kind they sell in Primark!
I'm gonna get all of this and maybe some arm warmers in winter!
My parents will never approve but I can always apply them in the ladies. I'll look fab, I just know it! I'll be bright, I don't want attention I just want to give people a nice reason to look at me, not to weigh up how far I come on the ugly scale!
And if the world doesn't like it. SOD THEM! I WILL LOVE IT!
B
xx
Dear Lover Dearest
I think the only way I can ever truly get past my sadness and dissapointment towards you is to write to you without you knowing. Kinda like letters from beyond, from beyond my heart that is. You will never read them, because I know you and you don't read blogs, and if you did ever stumble upon this, you'd never know it's me. You haven't known me long enough or well enough. You just don't know . . .
Dear Lover Dearest,
Today I went through hell. I got up thinking I'd see you. I was thinking about you so much and I thought you had to be thinking about me too. I put on my best clothes and spent forever on makeup in hope that maybe you'd fall for me. Stupid ugly me.
And I got there an hour early and I hid in the library. I even made myself five minutes late so I would look like I couldn't care less. You weren't there.
I thought you were really running late and I sat and I waited. I was so hopeful when I saw anyone with even one of your features. But you didn't show. I called you five minutes later, you said you had no money.
You probably remember all this.
I couldn't enjoy myself the rest of the day. I felt lost, beaten and bruised. I want to hate you so badly, but I can't. You did say sorry but these wounds on my heart are so deep.
I came home fifteen minutes late and once my parents had gone away I cried and cried and cried. You get to me like that. I wish you didn't. I wish you were mean and spiteful, then I could hate you and I wouldn't care. Then the tears wouldn't be so hot and I wouldn't feel so hurt so let down.
I wish many things on you.
But in my heart I love you, I love you so much it hurts.
It's hurting so much now.
Did you ever even LIKE me?
I want to ask you but I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to lose you altogether, but have I already?
In my dreams, in my private dreams, I see us together. So happy, me snuggled next to you. Waking up before the sun and chatting endlessly about anything and everything. You coming and painting my life with rainbow colours and buying me huge daisies. You . . . just you.
You and me.
Forever.
I know this probably will never happen and I will end up with someone else, settling for something lesser. Lesser than the perfect guy. The guy who doesn't want me, and ended our romance before it could even begin.
But I'm not gonna forget those four days in a hurry. I want to cling on. I want to feel like at some point you did want me, that you did love me. But perhaps it was all a lie.
Perhaps your a lie.
I think I'm just mad and sad for ever falling for your words, so sweet. I have loved people longer and I don't think it hurt this much. You hurt me more than anyone else, even though you . . . even though we didn't even last a week. I know you're complicated.
I understand. I do.
But if you could have just left me alone. I was fine. I was with someone, I was settled. I gave it all up for you and now they won't speak to me. And you are just . . .
I don't know.
You make me cry.
I'm crying right now just writing this. I hate you. I hate you.
HA! I wish.
I wish . . .
Love You Always
B
xx
I have to go and wipe my eyes. I seem to have cried off all my eyeliner. Lot more bothersome than wipes I'll tell you that.
Dear Lover Dearest,
Today I went through hell. I got up thinking I'd see you. I was thinking about you so much and I thought you had to be thinking about me too. I put on my best clothes and spent forever on makeup in hope that maybe you'd fall for me. Stupid ugly me.
And I got there an hour early and I hid in the library. I even made myself five minutes late so I would look like I couldn't care less. You weren't there.
I thought you were really running late and I sat and I waited. I was so hopeful when I saw anyone with even one of your features. But you didn't show. I called you five minutes later, you said you had no money.
You probably remember all this.
I couldn't enjoy myself the rest of the day. I felt lost, beaten and bruised. I want to hate you so badly, but I can't. You did say sorry but these wounds on my heart are so deep.
I came home fifteen minutes late and once my parents had gone away I cried and cried and cried. You get to me like that. I wish you didn't. I wish you were mean and spiteful, then I could hate you and I wouldn't care. Then the tears wouldn't be so hot and I wouldn't feel so hurt so let down.
I wish many things on you.
But in my heart I love you, I love you so much it hurts.
It's hurting so much now.
Did you ever even LIKE me?
I want to ask you but I don't want to make it awkward. I don't want to lose you altogether, but have I already?
In my dreams, in my private dreams, I see us together. So happy, me snuggled next to you. Waking up before the sun and chatting endlessly about anything and everything. You coming and painting my life with rainbow colours and buying me huge daisies. You . . . just you.
You and me.
Forever.
I know this probably will never happen and I will end up with someone else, settling for something lesser. Lesser than the perfect guy. The guy who doesn't want me, and ended our romance before it could even begin.
But I'm not gonna forget those four days in a hurry. I want to cling on. I want to feel like at some point you did want me, that you did love me. But perhaps it was all a lie.
Perhaps your a lie.
I think I'm just mad and sad for ever falling for your words, so sweet. I have loved people longer and I don't think it hurt this much. You hurt me more than anyone else, even though you . . . even though we didn't even last a week. I know you're complicated.
I understand. I do.
But if you could have just left me alone. I was fine. I was with someone, I was settled. I gave it all up for you and now they won't speak to me. And you are just . . .
I don't know.
You make me cry.
I'm crying right now just writing this. I hate you. I hate you.
HA! I wish.
I wish . . .
Love You Always
B
xx
I have to go and wipe my eyes. I seem to have cried off all my eyeliner. Lot more bothersome than wipes I'll tell you that.
Sunday, 2 August 2009
Lover Dearest
You know, a part of me wants to break down crying.
But another part of me, wants to just laugh. Because in a sick, dark way it's funny.
I should have never thought this would be different. Their all the same. But we're better off at friends and I was just naive to think otherwise.
He said to me only an hour ago by IM
"Hate me if you must, but can we just be friends?"
That was a wake up call. I woke up alright. Kinda like when you refuse to get out of bed because you're just soo comfortable and warm in your dream world and then someone pours a cold bucket of water over you.
Yep this is exactly like that.
Oh but I'll get over it. I can fix my broken heart on my own. I always do, don't I?
And we're still meeting tomorrow. But now as friends, well at least now I won't have to obsess over make up and stuff. Yeah, it's better . . .
Now I just have to tell all my friends who were so happy for me thinking, "Yay, at last one that isn't a dick head and won't cheat on her or move to the other side of the worlcdld and then back aagian!"
Get ready for it guys!
The let down.
Will write later
B
xx
But another part of me, wants to just laugh. Because in a sick, dark way it's funny.
I should have never thought this would be different. Their all the same. But we're better off at friends and I was just naive to think otherwise.
He said to me only an hour ago by IM
"Hate me if you must, but can we just be friends?"
That was a wake up call. I woke up alright. Kinda like when you refuse to get out of bed because you're just soo comfortable and warm in your dream world and then someone pours a cold bucket of water over you.
Yep this is exactly like that.
Oh but I'll get over it. I can fix my broken heart on my own. I always do, don't I?
And we're still meeting tomorrow. But now as friends, well at least now I won't have to obsess over make up and stuff. Yeah, it's better . . .
Now I just have to tell all my friends who were so happy for me thinking, "Yay, at last one that isn't a dick head and won't cheat on her or move to the other side of the worlcdld and then back aagian!"
Get ready for it guys!
The let down.
Will write later
B
xx
Saturday, 1 August 2009
Looking For A Sign: No Signal Detected
Hmmm, mild burns, I am singed.
Your words today, they cut like a knife through my skin, through my flesh through my heart. I'm bleeding out on the floor and you don't care. Your not there anymore.
I'd tell you all what has happened. But I don't actually know! I wish I did, I really did. I mean, he says one thing to me, says another thing to someone else. And what will he actually DO when I see him on Monday. Yeah we changed it again, cos his sisters birthday is today!
But I knew complications would come my way, I mean it as all too perfect. He was too perfect. Too pure.
Basically, I don't know what we are anymore. Are we friends? Are we dating? Does he not want to admit we're dating? Does he want to pretend to be friends? But then he wouldn't have said all of those things. All of those, lovely things . . .
I love him still.
But I smell hurt down this path. I better put up my walls, wear my strongest armour and kneel on the ground with my sheild above my head, sword in the other hand. Anything so when it happens, which knowing me. It will! I will be ready, well something like that.
Love yaz!
B
xx
Your words today, they cut like a knife through my skin, through my flesh through my heart. I'm bleeding out on the floor and you don't care. Your not there anymore.
I'd tell you all what has happened. But I don't actually know! I wish I did, I really did. I mean, he says one thing to me, says another thing to someone else. And what will he actually DO when I see him on Monday. Yeah we changed it again, cos his sisters birthday is today!
But I knew complications would come my way, I mean it as all too perfect. He was too perfect. Too pure.
Basically, I don't know what we are anymore. Are we friends? Are we dating? Does he not want to admit we're dating? Does he want to pretend to be friends? But then he wouldn't have said all of those things. All of those, lovely things . . .
I love him still.
But I smell hurt down this path. I better put up my walls, wear my strongest armour and kneel on the ground with my sheild above my head, sword in the other hand. Anything so when it happens, which knowing me. It will! I will be ready, well something like that.
Love yaz!
B
xx
Is Anyone Out There?
I'll keep writing this blog anyhow. But is anyone actually reading this little blog?
I just want to know. I know probably no one does and I'm most likely in a huge room talking to myself. Like the mad women I have strived so hard to be.
So if you read this let me know? Just a simple comment like "I do".
B
xx
I just want to know. I know probably no one does and I'm most likely in a huge room talking to myself. Like the mad women I have strived so hard to be.
So if you read this let me know? Just a simple comment like "I do".
B
xx
What I Like
See, I am close to hating myself. Maybe I already do.
(Told you that doom and gloom theme would kick in!)
So sometimes you just have to list what you like about yourself.
Here's mine.
What I Like About Me:
(Told you that doom and gloom theme would kick in!)
So sometimes you just have to list what you like about yourself.
Here's mine.
What I Like About Me:
- My eyes, their the darkest brown but if your close enough you can see their brown not black, so come closer.
- My mouth, the lips part. What's in it I ain't so mad about. I don't know but these are the only two parts of my face i don't completel loathe.
- My hair. Everyone's always complimenting me on it, and you can't fight fate!
- My sense of sarcastic and slightly cruel himour. It makes people laugh some of the time, a reaosn to put up with me!
- The voices in my head. Now, don't go calling the men in white jackets and a big net to throw me in the loony bin. I have not completely lost the plot! Ok, maybe I have. But these are my sub-personalities. The people who live in my head, who say things to ease the situation, embarassing or just plain awkard. They can be helpful, and can help me simmer down. Without them I would be very bored. Love you guys!
- My imagination. Let's me make up things, write stories, without that little talent I am nothing. And ok, some people do it way better but I do it good enough for my standards.
- My ears, see for some reason people find my ears adorable as they are small. I get a lot of "Awww look at her ears, their so small, awww thats so sweet" this may look cute but may also be why I feel like I'm partially deaf!
- My hips. Sure I have the arse the size of Argentina but I have sort of an hourglass figure and if a giant but is what I must put up with to have this popular body image, then so be it!
That is all I think!
What are the things you like about yourself?
B
xx
How To Change A Light Bulb
I have this theory.
Actaully I have a dozen and one thearies from making up, breaking up, to the tiny corner in my bedroom where the spiders camp out to crawl down my throat at night.
This is the theory of falling in love.
Nope no doom and gloom for today. Well we'll just see how I feel later.
So anyway . . .
It's sorta like you're in a room. It's not that big, it's not that comfy. And it's dark because the light bulbs stopped working. Your left in the dark. And you sit there, because well what it's worth to turn change the bulb when you that if you turn the light bulb there's not much to look at. No ones there waiting.
So you sit.
Then that person walks into your love, you can't see clearly, you want to. You have this feeling. This surge. You just want to see them for what they are, cos maybe then they can see you, the real you. The person under the skin, YOU.
So get that new shiny bulb, pull up a stool, stand and you change it. Then the lights on and your looking at the most wonderful person in the world. And just looking at them makes you wanna laugh, not because their funny but because your so happy.
Do you know how to change the light bulb?
B
xx
Actaully I have a dozen and one thearies from making up, breaking up, to the tiny corner in my bedroom where the spiders camp out to crawl down my throat at night.
This is the theory of falling in love.
Nope no doom and gloom for today. Well we'll just see how I feel later.
So anyway . . .
It's sorta like you're in a room. It's not that big, it's not that comfy. And it's dark because the light bulbs stopped working. Your left in the dark. And you sit there, because well what it's worth to turn change the bulb when you that if you turn the light bulb there's not much to look at. No ones there waiting.
So you sit.
Then that person walks into your love, you can't see clearly, you want to. You have this feeling. This surge. You just want to see them for what they are, cos maybe then they can see you, the real you. The person under the skin, YOU.
So get that new shiny bulb, pull up a stool, stand and you change it. Then the lights on and your looking at the most wonderful person in the world. And just looking at them makes you wanna laugh, not because their funny but because your so happy.
Do you know how to change the light bulb?
B
xx
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