If you've read my posts you will know that I am not super duper happy all the time. I have depressing thoughts but I think it's cos I have depression and is that really my fault?
But my thoughts are what happen on the inside. On the outside, I laugh, I smile I say all the right things.
But inside the one thing I find myself doing especailly when I find interest in a guy is I begin to think of us together. Like any other girl, romantic scenarios, those sweet things he might do for me, sweet, romantic, funny, spontaneous things that will never fade in my memory.
But I also fast forward to the end. The tragic end which all relationships must endure at one point. Every couples breaks up at least once. Sometimes they get back together and live happily ever after like Ross and Rachel in Friends. Sometimes they don't.
I go to this. The tearful break up, dotted with broken hearts and turquoise tears. I picture myself lying in my room listening to sad love songs while the rain pours down and my tears pour down harder.
Having my heart break all over again when I see him in town.
I go to this, and I linger on this thought for a while.
Sometimes it's my fault. Mostly in my thoughts its my fault. Sometimes his. I don't know why I always think it will be me. I think mostly because I just expect myself to fail in such things, cos I don't know how to act in certain situations. I don't talk right, walk right, laugh right at the right times.
Maybe I seem too friendly with a guy who's meant to be just a friend.
I'm not sure.
So I think of this and then I think of all the bad stuff too.
Why?
Maybe I want to keep to grips with reality. Maybe cushion the fall so when it does happen I'll be more ready.
But is anyone ever ready to have their heart broken?
I had plenty of dooming thoughts about Boyfriend. (See earlier posts). And when it was over, I was NOT ready. I remember waking up, then remembering we weren't together. I remember listening to this one song I loved so much and having to lock myself in the bathroom as I cried my eyes out because it reminded me of him, what we used to be.
I cried a lot in those weeks. Then I became numb to it and tried to stop those old feelings simmering to the surface. It wasn't easy. It was harder than ever before.
So are all my bad thoughts just a waste of time and pretend tears. Is it not worth the worry?
Probably.
Does this mean all these thoughts will stop automatically?
No.
Hello? This is ME we're on about here.
Might blog later, dunno, I have lots of spare time now I'm on holiday :P
Lots and lots and lots of LUUUURVE!
B
xx
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Change Of Plans
Ok, its sumer, so everyone in the known universe is off somehwere a million miles away from here!
So I have to wait till Saturday to see him. But I'd wait one hundred years if it meant I could be with him at the end of it.
I am not a girl for fashion but I know I will be in a frenzy over makeup and hair and clothes, I just wanna look good in his eyes. I wanna say that looks don't matter, but some people care, I know he doesn't.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Well something like that ;)
B
xxx
So I have to wait till Saturday to see him. But I'd wait one hundred years if it meant I could be with him at the end of it.
I am not a girl for fashion but I know I will be in a frenzy over makeup and hair and clothes, I just wanna look good in his eyes. I wanna say that looks don't matter, but some people care, I know he doesn't.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.
Well something like that ;)
B
xxx
Looks Like Rain
So he likes me.
I dream about him every night. I have never enjoyed sleep more and I now wake up with a satisfied smile that a boy who is not, a player, heartbreaker, obnocious, obsessed with sex and isn't completelt stupid actually likes me!
And yesterday he told me he loved me.
But no, not in english.
In japanese.
I looked it up on google translator which until he told me I didn't even know existed. I looked at all the links which said I love You. This must be wrong, I thought. But then I looked and it said "Translated to: I love you and next to it Not Quite Right? Edit.
I thought how can it be right. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him. Sure he loves video games but he wants to design them for a living. At last a guy who wants do something realistic! Ok, I know what I want to do may not be counted as "A real job".
But it's happening.
Love.
A real, something.
I'm seeing him tomorrow and I can barely wait and my stomach flips over like a dozen times every time I think about it.
I look hideous. Giant spot on nose! I LOOK LIKE RUDOLPH THE FLIPPING REINDEER!
But Jack says he doesn't care and that we're all tens! At last a guy who isn't all hung up on looks. Is it any wonder he's the one who stole my heart?
The sun is out.
And today it may be raining.
But tomorrow the suns coming out, and everthing I've ever wanted. Ever dreamed up when I was sad will be there with it to take away that feeling, in me. The feeling of eternal loneliness, loss of hope will be gone with rain.
Happier days ahead.
But then no one knows what's around the corner ;)
Speak later my little bloggers.
Love
B
xx
I dream about him every night. I have never enjoyed sleep more and I now wake up with a satisfied smile that a boy who is not, a player, heartbreaker, obnocious, obsessed with sex and isn't completelt stupid actually likes me!
And yesterday he told me he loved me.
But no, not in english.
In japanese.
I looked it up on google translator which until he told me I didn't even know existed. I looked at all the links which said I love You. This must be wrong, I thought. But then I looked and it said "Translated to: I love you and next to it Not Quite Right? Edit.
I thought how can it be right. I mean, there's nothing wrong with him. Sure he loves video games but he wants to design them for a living. At last a guy who wants do something realistic! Ok, I know what I want to do may not be counted as "A real job".
But it's happening.
Love.
A real, something.
I'm seeing him tomorrow and I can barely wait and my stomach flips over like a dozen times every time I think about it.
I look hideous. Giant spot on nose! I LOOK LIKE RUDOLPH THE FLIPPING REINDEER!
But Jack says he doesn't care and that we're all tens! At last a guy who isn't all hung up on looks. Is it any wonder he's the one who stole my heart?
The sun is out.
And today it may be raining.
But tomorrow the suns coming out, and everthing I've ever wanted. Ever dreamed up when I was sad will be there with it to take away that feeling, in me. The feeling of eternal loneliness, loss of hope will be gone with rain.
Happier days ahead.
But then no one knows what's around the corner ;)
Speak later my little bloggers.
Love
B
xx
Monday, 20 July 2009
Last Summer
I am going to have fun this summer. No more crying next to the phone waiting for calls that don't come because let's face it their never coming.
I though did have a lovely shock when ex called and MOTHER picked up. She never even knew about him. This took some perfectly constructed lying to wriggle out of scot free. I mean if there's one thing a writer can do it's pull an idea out her ass.
But this summer it's all gonna be fun.
No crying over any boys cos they don't spend half as much energy agonizing over you.
I mean most guys know after getting dumped come out with the very heart felt line of "So got any hot girl mates?" Oh how heart broken they are NOT!
Yes, I'm gonna let my hair down, literally and metaphorically and have a little fun. And most importantly store up on rainbow socks all set for the technicolour winter! I love winter more tahn summer even though I was born in autumn!
Now shall proceed with weirdy wonky life.
ttfn
B
xxx
I though did have a lovely shock when ex called and MOTHER picked up. She never even knew about him. This took some perfectly constructed lying to wriggle out of scot free. I mean if there's one thing a writer can do it's pull an idea out her ass.
But this summer it's all gonna be fun.
No crying over any boys cos they don't spend half as much energy agonizing over you.
I mean most guys know after getting dumped come out with the very heart felt line of "So got any hot girl mates?" Oh how heart broken they are NOT!
Yes, I'm gonna let my hair down, literally and metaphorically and have a little fun. And most importantly store up on rainbow socks all set for the technicolour winter! I love winter more tahn summer even though I was born in autumn!
Now shall proceed with weirdy wonky life.
ttfn
B
xxx
Saturday, 11 July 2009
She's All That
YES I AM ALL THAT! AND I HATE YOU FOR TELLING ME OTHERWISE!
Ok, I do not think highly of myself. Lowly thinking would be too high for me. But when you trusted someone for sooo long, when you sacrificed so much. When you had your heart set on what they told you and protested when someone said it was wrong. When you beleived in it all soooo much that it was one of those things that kept you going, as you can imagine hearing it was all a lie . . . an act you would feel devestated. Kinda like finding out santa claus isn't real.
I asked Boyfriend something and here is how our conversation went:
Me: Hi. Why have you been ignoring me?
Boyfriend: There is no point talking to you cos I hardly know you
(How does he hardly know me you ask. Five months of sweat blood and tears and he doesn't know me? Read on to find out.)
Me: How the hell can you not know me, I used to be your girlfriend for gods sakes!
Boyfriend: I only asked you out cos you were fit
(For anyone who is not familiar with this, it is a sleazy british way of calling a girl pretty. I hate it with every part of me. I hate it with a passion! I mean, call a girl beautiful, pretty, sexy don't call her FIT! It doesn't show anything abouy your true feelings and sounds lazy and stupid, like she's just a pin-up. I was seething at this as you can imagine. I thought he actually gave a shit about just turns out I was just a body, a pretty face. Nothing else. Nothing about my personality, purely physical. Purely meaningless.)
Me: So you never loved me is that what you're saying?
Boyfriend: Oh for fucks sake. of course I loved you why else would I call you fit?
Me: Theres a difference between love and lust you moron
Boyfriend: Look I can't be arsed to argue at the moment ok
Me: Fine by me
The End
The last time I will EVER and I mean EVER trust one word a guy says to me. This was the first time and this was so the last. I was so mad after. I cried for a few minutes and then I thumped my pillows and the walls until my hands hurt. I imagined it was his face. How dare he! How dare he! My hate is deeper now than ever.
And now I have got myself a boyfriend. Lewis.
I don't trust him though. I am smart enough and know him way too well to do something as bone headed as that. But we've lasted over a week which I know for him is like three years worth of a relationship. It's serious. But I've built a hard brick wall around my self and no man is getting in. I don't think anyone will be strong enough to break the walls down. And if there is . . .
Well we'll just have to see won't we.
B
xx
Ok, I do not think highly of myself. Lowly thinking would be too high for me. But when you trusted someone for sooo long, when you sacrificed so much. When you had your heart set on what they told you and protested when someone said it was wrong. When you beleived in it all soooo much that it was one of those things that kept you going, as you can imagine hearing it was all a lie . . . an act you would feel devestated. Kinda like finding out santa claus isn't real.
I asked Boyfriend something and here is how our conversation went:
Me: Hi. Why have you been ignoring me?
Boyfriend: There is no point talking to you cos I hardly know you
(How does he hardly know me you ask. Five months of sweat blood and tears and he doesn't know me? Read on to find out.)
Me: How the hell can you not know me, I used to be your girlfriend for gods sakes!
Boyfriend: I only asked you out cos you were fit
(For anyone who is not familiar with this, it is a sleazy british way of calling a girl pretty. I hate it with every part of me. I hate it with a passion! I mean, call a girl beautiful, pretty, sexy don't call her FIT! It doesn't show anything abouy your true feelings and sounds lazy and stupid, like she's just a pin-up. I was seething at this as you can imagine. I thought he actually gave a shit about just turns out I was just a body, a pretty face. Nothing else. Nothing about my personality, purely physical. Purely meaningless.)
Me: So you never loved me is that what you're saying?
Boyfriend: Oh for fucks sake. of course I loved you why else would I call you fit?
Me: Theres a difference between love and lust you moron
Boyfriend: Look I can't be arsed to argue at the moment ok
Me: Fine by me
The End
The last time I will EVER and I mean EVER trust one word a guy says to me. This was the first time and this was so the last. I was so mad after. I cried for a few minutes and then I thumped my pillows and the walls until my hands hurt. I imagined it was his face. How dare he! How dare he! My hate is deeper now than ever.
And now I have got myself a boyfriend. Lewis.
I don't trust him though. I am smart enough and know him way too well to do something as bone headed as that. But we've lasted over a week which I know for him is like three years worth of a relationship. It's serious. But I've built a hard brick wall around my self and no man is getting in. I don't think anyone will be strong enough to break the walls down. And if there is . . .
Well we'll just have to see won't we.
B
xx
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