Please go away . . . but make sure you stay!

Hello all.

I have started school again. Oh joy, the smell of musty school books, crazy, mean, mad, bad, unfair teachers who will catch you out for accidental laughing fits and the mob of friends who you love but find deeply annoying and love to say you love the opposite sex, even if you're just friends. (Since when did a boy and a girl being mates, stop being all right?) Yes, utter hellish heaven!

The homework is piling up its only been three days!

But its hard to concentrate on any of it, though, cos my life seems to be turning into sludge!

My mum wants to run off with some guy my dad hates, and she will, at Christmas, for six weeks, on a supposed holiday to see her family who she hasn't seen in nine years. I guess that's fair but getting off with another guy NO. I don't want two addresses or a step family! NO WAY!

And supposed fiance is driving me to boiling point. It's like him proposing has made him ten times more controlling and just downright annoying! Always snapping at me, saying weird things like "I don't even know what I am doing" and when I ask him about it he's just like it doesn't matter. IT SCARES ME! It does matter.

Then there's Pon. I made very well of pushing him out of mind and being all perfect fiance type person but then he was within ten feet of me and I felt that special feeling, where you feel a million feelings all at once. You feel sick, scared, weirdly happy, excited and like you're hearts about to explode and somehow sad.

A real mix there.

I asked him if he wanted to see a movie with me on Saturday he said "dunno."

Now, I hate that word!

Well definitely when boys say it. Cos their just so . . . mysterious it stops being cool and starts getting agitating.

So I recruited Lover Dearest (we just couldn't help being friends!) and he of course worked his boy magic and pulled the info I needed from him though I didn't like it. Well half and half really! Apparently he does fancy me (meaning like for those who aren't accustomed to the British lingo) but he just got out of a really messy relationship so is unable to devote his life to loving yours truly!

But apparently according to my best friend who we will call "Munchkin" (she's actually my height, but I call her Munchkin anyway. Started a while ago, never stopped and now she puts it as her facebook and twitter names. I am genius!) says that apparently it's illegal for him to date me.

I think it's not illegal (yet)!

Though I was kinda/sorta/a bit surprised to realise he has started as a student teacher and does P.E. I wouldn't mind doing that lesson if HE was teaching me.

I have vowed, I think, to wait until he gets over said relationship to "go for it" as Lover Dearest said. And I don't mean to be disobeying to the law . . .

But I don't give a fuck what the fucking law says!

If I like him, and he likes me and isn't all hung up on past relationships we should be able to go out. It's only like 3-4 years not really a giant gap there!

OH MY GOD!

Officially worst fiance ever!

But does it stop there? NO.

A new person, who we will call Knot, has walked into my life. All care of my mad friend! He's nice, funny, sweet and he told me he loved me!

Now, I will admit I did do a few daydreams of him but . . . I don't know . . . but I . . . if Pon does get over said relationship and I break free from Lewis, I'd have to dump him to get to Pon who I swear I belong with, but then I say tat about everyone.

And he's already been through hell and back again, he's been stabbed four times, and his brother died like a week ago! I mean, seriously he doesn't need a little skank like me dumping him and making him hit rock bottom with a big bang!

So yes as you see life is shit! SHIT I TELL YOU! No actually shit looks like a fudge chocolate cake compared to the deep fucked up situation I am in.

Gotta do homework and NOT think about Pon. And try and find more ways to get Lewis to stop annoying me and be good fiance and also not lead Knot on and not hate mum or dad for being such suckish parents! Or yell at four year old sister for swearing and get book published so I CAN GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

God, the list never ends!

Love

Belle

xxxxx

The Way I Loved You

All this commitments stuff is great, yeah, its just fab. But its all so calm, too easy. The challenge, the danger, has all gone. It's kinda comfy now . . . he's changed, did he do it for me?

I know that all anyone ever wants is the "perfect" relationship but . . .

I guess I kinda miss the parts when we first started out, the screaming and fighting. The way I hated him and loved him so much all at the same time it made me dizzy. I miss the emotional roller coaster it all was.

But now, he wants to *gulp* marry me! He bought me a ring, he's making a commitment. Why? I mean I'm not the perfect, polite, barbie doll girl you want your mother to meet. I'm the loud, sarcastic, weird curly haired girl who always says the wrong thing and doesn't really think before she speaks.

I'm always changing my mind and I love going out and doing random things just because I feel like it. I like to paint a room a weird bright colour just cos I feel like it.

Is that the kind of girl a guy wants to spend the rest of his life with?

Must be for him.

I'm getting more used to the idea of this "forever" thing. I just, I guess I never thought I'd be thinking of forever with him. I mean this is the guy I'd used to wonder if I'd make it through the next two hours with let alone forever!

Yeah, I am his longest relationship, compared to the two weeks he usually seems to last. Maybe that makes me seriously special in his book. In which case great, but hopefully he has other reasons. I could ask him . . .

Yeah, I mean he's hardly gonna bite my head off.

And if he does I'll kill him, verbally of course :)

It's a plan.

Love

Belle

xx

You're Specail

I went shopping with Lover Dearest. We have to be friends, we just can't help ourselves. I'm over it now, and so is he. We're just fine, once again. We walked around happily in circles not going into any shops really, he refuses to pick shops always makes me choose. I am very indecisive.

But more importantly . . .

Drum roll please . . .

I'M ENGAGED!

Everyone pop out the good champagne and dance around- NO.

I want to be thrilled, I want to be ecstatic but I'm not. I am terrified. Shocked. I mean, you're walking along with your boyfriend who you have a nice cosy on and off relationship with and then suddenley BAM! He's on his knee with a FOUR HUNDRED POUND RING and asks you to marry him.

I couldn't have been more shocked if green pigs started doing the loopty loop over my head.

I mean this was Lewis. He was not the committment kinda guy. He does not propose, he cheats and lies and breaks girls hearts, HE DOES NOT PROPOSE!

I should have said no. I should have run away or something. But all I saw was this wrong which he spent sooo much money on, probably everything he has. His hopeful face, so utterly sure I was gonna say yes. And then me not sure of what was happening.

I opened my mouth all set to crush his dreams but I couldnt instead I said . . .

"Yeah, I'd love to".

LIES!

Cos I'm in love with someone else . . .

We'll call him, Pon.

As in Pon and Zi.

He told me I was specail. And even though Lewis proposed he has never said that to me. No one has. He said other things to . . .

And I think I'm falling for him.

I am officially the worst fiance ever!

Damn you ring!

What am I going to do????

Love

Belle (NO LONGER SINGLE!)

xxx

p.s. GAAAAH

And You Thought Your Family Was Embarassing

Ok, like two days ago, I went out with my mum and sister to park.

Going out with them, is never NOT embarrassing. Or uneventful.

We actually sat on a park bench and watched a black dog disappear behind a hedge only to hear his owners suddenly exclaim that said dog was now drowning.

Me and my mother didn't see the dog until it tried to drag itself up onto land, and failed, soaking us in the process. My mum insisted I jump in and save the dog. I can't swim! I looked at her from my slightly wet hair dripping around my face. I heard another splash as the other dog jumped in and got up and went to sit against the wall encase she would throw me in the pond or something.

They got out like two minutes later with no need for anyone to go jumping in heroically into the gungy, gross pond.

Then as I went to the toilets to try and dry myself off. I came out to see a running screaming child, running away from a bush, and sticking out of this bush I could see what were unmistakably my mothers shoes. I went there to see her lying in the bush my little sister trying to clamber up her.

What's worse is there were very cute boys watching whole time. Which always makes a embarrassing situation ten times worse!

"I thought it was you! I jumped out from the bush, and the little girl screamed and jumped, and then jas pushed me over when she tried to jump on me!" she laughed, almost crying.
"Your lucky the parents have a sense of humor," I say as they walked past laughing.
"I thought it was you, I swear," she giggled.
"But I'm not blond and two feet tall," I point out.
"Honest mistake!" she giggled and stood up, twigs in her hair and walked along still laughing swinging my little sisters hand, the twigs still in her hair!

Yes my family is truly mad!

But then I who am I to talk?

Love You Lots

Belle

xx

Just You And Me

Lewis + me= recipe for disaster

Now this is the . . . third time we've gone out. Now, it always is me who ends it, cos he always seems unaware of his actions. Or very aware and just likes to lie about it.

I'd like to say there was some great hidden meaning why we are drawn to each other, why we come back for more heartache, and more confusion. I'd like to say that secretly I have a feeling we are made for each other. Truth is, I don't.

There is no great phylisophical meaning why we like to date each other and call each other boyfriend and girlfriend when it is necessary.

It's just us.

Him and me.

It's what we do. But I do feel for my friends who have to listen to me complain about his massive screw-ups and who tell me it's a bad idea to go back down that road again. But I don't know . . . it's such a fun road.

I can almost kid myself he's a genuinely nice guy when I'm with him. Though I do tend to step back every now and then when we break up and think "God, he's an asshole!". But then he turns on the charm, the sweet talk. I tell myself to beleive it, because what more do I have to lose? Any last shreds of dignity went somewhere up the line.

So here we are again, with our dysfunctional ways which I have over the past nine months of knowing each other have fallen in love with. And I am thrilled, cos I swear he's getting better, getting to be less of a dick.

Progress.

One step at a time and who knows maybe one day . . . He'll be able to stay in a relationship for over two months without shamelessly hitting on everyone of his girlfriends friends.

I hope I live to see the day :)

Love

Belle

xx

Liar, liar!

We all tell lies.

I tell lies. I know I do. But never to hurt anyone, only to protect feelings and stop myself getting put on house arrest for bad behaviour, but usually to put a smile on someones face.

But lying to hurt people, and tear things apart, that's another thing all together. That is just sad, pathetic, and cruel. My ex-best friend thought it would be nice if she contacted my ex-crush who I am now actually quiet good friends with.

She pretended to send a e-mail on my behalf saying I couldn't stand him, and that he was selfish and only thought of himself and I never wanted to talk to him again. So not true, he's not one bit selfish and is caring, and I find talking to him fun.

He asked me about it, and me in utter shock pleaded total ignorance. He luckily believed my story of ex-best friend being evil sociopath blond girl. And I discussed the great tragedy of me looking like a mega dork whenever I put my glasses on and he told me I always looked beautiful. Sure I'm over him, but I couldn't help freak out the minute he was out of sight.

I also yesterday went out with Lina. We tried on heels in Debenhams but could so not walk in them. She looked like she was an old lady, kinda hunched over holding her back and I looked like a robot on a tight rope!

Was hilarious and then we plodded around barefoot in the shoe section looking for larger heels. Sure maybe immature but growing up is hard work and sometimes it's nice to act younger, just freeing really.

It gets old people telling you, about all this, you have to be great, better than everyone else, good marks, great scores, come top so you can make a ton of money and etc. We don't want all that shed load of responsibility. It's seriously scary and great stress maker. It's easier to do it without people saying it's the end of the world, less serious. Doesn't mean you'll flunk just that you won't hyperventilate every time you get a B, "OH DEAR GOD! SHE GOT A B! SHE'LL NEVER GET INTO OXFORD! SOMEONE HELP ME, I CANT BREATHE! DIAL 999 GOD DAMMIT!" OK, so they don't say this exactly but that's what their thinking!

Love u long time

B

xx

Did You Forget

I discovered Demi Lovato's song, Did You Forget, some time ago. I liked it because well that's how you feel sometimes after a relationship like the other person went to some special clinic and had every moment you ever talked and spent together wiped clean from their brain.

But I forgot lately what it was like to go out with my best friend and giggle when boys checked us out. I forgot how fun it was to text each other on the bus about the cute guy sitting behind us, that we daren't speak about out loud cos he would hear.

It was fun. Girl fun. I missed my best friend.

And she in the past two weeks has started talking to Lover Dearest (how I will continue to call him) and actually I spent most of my time keeping her away from him cos me and Best Friend are very alike. But she isn't as shy, she's more out there, and maybe she's better. I had nightmares of him hooking up with her.

And I woke up today to see that he had her name on his IM. Now, this is a big deal, this means this person is special to you in boy world when you put a girls name on ur IM. I couldn't have felt worse if someone stabbed me in the heart with a rusty old knife. I stared gobsmacked for a second.

He doesn't talk to me anymore, but obviously he's having lots of fun talking to her. I could not bring myself to cry. Maybe I'm getting over him, cos sure it still hurts like hell but I'm not welling up, about to cry every five minutes. Progress.

So he forgot about me. Or he's having a good shot at forgetting me. His loss, I say.

Because there are some guys out there, who don't forget me in a second. Who actually CARE about what I do, and what I say. I got people who matter, he doesn't matter . . . he can't, when I don't matter to him.

Sorry but I have a book to write and black berry's to eat!

Love

B

xx