Over Before It Begins

If you've read my posts you will know that I am not super duper happy all the time. I have depressing thoughts but I think it's cos I have depression and is that really my fault?

But my thoughts are what happen on the inside. On the outside, I laugh, I smile I say all the right things.

But inside the one thing I find myself doing especailly when I find interest in a guy is I begin to think of us together. Like any other girl, romantic scenarios, those sweet things he might do for me, sweet, romantic, funny, spontaneous things that will never fade in my memory.

But I also fast forward to the end. The tragic end which all relationships must endure at one point. Every couples breaks up at least once. Sometimes they get back together and live happily ever after like Ross and Rachel in Friends. Sometimes they don't.

I go to this. The tearful break up, dotted with broken hearts and turquoise tears. I picture myself lying in my room listening to sad love songs while the rain pours down and my tears pour down harder.

Having my heart break all over again when I see him in town.

I go to this, and I linger on this thought for a while.

Sometimes it's my fault. Mostly in my thoughts its my fault. Sometimes his. I don't know why I always think it will be me. I think mostly because I just expect myself to fail in such things, cos I don't know how to act in certain situations. I don't talk right, walk right, laugh right at the right times.

Maybe I seem too friendly with a guy who's meant to be just a friend.

I'm not sure.

So I think of this and then I think of all the bad stuff too.

Why?

Maybe I want to keep to grips with reality. Maybe cushion the fall so when it does happen I'll be more ready.

But is anyone ever ready to have their heart broken?

I had plenty of dooming thoughts about Boyfriend. (See earlier posts). And when it was over, I was NOT ready. I remember waking up, then remembering we weren't together. I remember listening to this one song I loved so much and having to lock myself in the bathroom as I cried my eyes out because it reminded me of him, what we used to be.

I cried a lot in those weeks. Then I became numb to it and tried to stop those old feelings simmering to the surface. It wasn't easy. It was harder than ever before.

So are all my bad thoughts just a waste of time and pretend tears. Is it not worth the worry?

Probably.

Does this mean all these thoughts will stop automatically?

No.

Hello? This is ME we're on about here.

Might blog later, dunno, I have lots of spare time now I'm on holiday :P

Lots and lots and lots of LUUUURVE!

B

xx