Depression

I do appear to be happy but I only appear. You dig deeper and you'll see the tangled and generally real and fucked up version of who I am. I know that I cry I lot and that I have like nil confidence and some days it's just hard to get up and go to school, once I tried faking I was ill. But then I found out that there was a disease hooked up to depression. I'm always telling my friend Jessica when I'm older I'll suffer from depression but I never thought to look at the symptoms and see if I have it now.

I do.

I have over ten of the symptoms and it said over five. A new label to go by this is, the girl with clinical depression. The extreme Emo. But I don't want everyone to know. I don't want to tell my parents and ask if I can go to the doctor to get tests and treatment. My mum doesn't know how much I cry or how useless I feel. I don't want her to.

It's not something I want to broadcast to the world.

I thought of telling Jack but then if you were a guy would you want to hang out with someone who has clinical depression?

I don't think so.

Who am I gonna tell?

I don't know. . .

I have to go.

B

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Bleeding On Your Shirt

Yes, I like to do my own thing and don't expect me to cancel a night out with my girlfriends to be with you but we all cave sometimes don't we? For that one person? But no I stand firm at cancelling plans with people. But while I was as always looking for new music to listen to when writing I came upon a song I love and there's this one line which I truly love.

"If you slit my throat, with my last gasping breathe I'd apologise for bleeding on your shirt."- Taking Back Sunday

I love that! I guess cos I really get what they mean. No matter what that person does to you, you're still falling for them. Which brings me to another fantastic song line from another one of my fave bands.

"Hit me or whip me, I'd savour each lash."- Say Anything

Again perfectly demonstrating my point, sometimes love is so strong you just give up caring and savour everything that person does to you. And yes I have used the L word and I mean Jack. And I do love him. DAMN!

Is it just me or is falling like getting murdered. Maybe you'll put up a fight, maybe you won't. But either way you're left with nothing and sometimes you lose your life. And he's being so sweeet I just want to blurt it out and see if maybe he likes me. Me who doesn't even own a mini skirt that actually FITS (I have some from when I was like . . . eleven!), me who likes books better than television and computer, me with the cray curly hair and those glasses I have to wear in class and lets not forget those REEEEEAAALLLY stylish braces I should be getting.

I can't say I like him (the word love tends to scare guys off though he is not like usual guys I won't push my luck) because he still has a girlfriend. But when eventually they break up (please let it be soon) then I'll take that risk and speak those three magic words. Hmmm, maybe it shouldn't come that soon.

B

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A guy like Danny

I am dragging myself out of sadness and going into town to see my hearts one and only desire. And yes he has a girlfriend who he loves (GAAAH) but the odds are they will break up. If they don't then I don't know, I just might jump off a bridge or something.

But I have wonderful friends. Like my friend who we will call Danny. Oh he's just wonderful and funny and sweet and a little shorter than me and wishes he was a turtle so he can hide in his shell. I love talking to him and helping him with his girlfriends who always ALWAYS stop talking to him for no reason. And when he asks them what's wrong they always say "It's just you, the way you are". I don't get it.

I have no idea what it is about him which drives them around the bend. But it never takes him long to get back on his feet with another girl so it's not like it costs major heart break. He's in the middle of one of those "It's not me, it's you, you jackass!" kinda things right now and though they still haven't broken it off he's interested in my friend who we call Cat.

She'll be the first one he'll be calling when he breaks up with his girl. Oh Danny.

Every girl should have a guy like Danny. ;)

B

xxx

Will You Cry A Tear For Me?

This is why being in love with someone who doesn't love you is bad. They talk about the other person they DO love. So we were having a good conversation then he brings her up and I thought I wouldn't mind but I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach and had to fight back tears. My head was filled with thoughts like, why isn't it me? What's wrong with me?

I hated it, hated it, hated it. And on top of that my ex who yes I am over him but my friend reminded him of how he would fight for me back if we were every apart and how he would love me forever. And he said "I found somebody better". Now that was slap in the face.

Then my friend goes and calls me a slag.

And I'm just left thinking. Why me? Why am I not good enough, why am I second best, or the consolation prize? I'm not hideously disfigured, I'm funny, I'm smart, I like to have fun, what's wrong with me? Am I just completely unlovable? Am I doomed to be heart broken forever? Cos that's how I feel now, heartbroken, beaten and defeated.

There has to be someone out there . . . anyone . . . who'll I dunno . . . save me . . . from . . . depression and pain and . . . reality and carry me off into the fantasy world and do his best to change the world for me so it won't hurt me anymore. And it wouldn't because he'd be around . . .

Like a superhero.

My superhero.

Oh if only. But for now all I can do is cry my tears and fake a smile and I guess . . . I'll be alright. Who needs love when you have heart ache?

B

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A thought to mull over

Just walking into town to grab my friends birthday present really quick I slap on the music encase I see him. I don't want to look like something the cat dragged in, though my hair just couldn't be tamed sadly. But every time I turned a corner I hoped I might see him. It's stupid, he never told me he was going into town today, he said he'd be in town on Tuesday. I hate going into town in the middle of the week but maybe for him I could make an exception. . .

But is he really worth me having to take the bus home?

Now that's a thought to mull over.

B

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Remember When . . .

It's sad when things die, when you stop and you remember how things used to be and how in such short time it's now a completely different story all together. I think its very sad and now its happened to me and I just wondered, if I did this would it be better. But maybe it's something that has to happen, maybe it would change the order of the other things.

Boyfriend now doesn't talk to me. He doesn't text or call or even IM me. It's like he's someone else, like I'm someone else strangers. I remember when he asked me to marry him. Yeah I know we're only teenagers but it wasn't me who proposed in the middle of the street.

He was dead serious, and all embarasssed. Can you blame him? And I'm a sucker for all this cheesy stuff so I said yes. I couldn't stop laughing and he hugged and kissed me.We wove a whole future plan together, the big house in london, I'd write all day and he'd jam with his band, in the evenings we would go out to fancy restaurants or I'd go to his gig or we'd just stay at home and be us. . .

But we're not us anymore. We're him and me. We're two seperate people. Suddenley cold shouldered strangers. Are we even friends really? I don't know. I wish I did. Do I wish this never happened?

I don't know.

Bad things happen for a reason they say. But what's the reason? So I can fall for someone who'll raise me up and bring me crashing down to rock bottom again? Yes, that is a truly great reason!

But then again I don't know how the universe works, there might be something amaing lying around the corner shop . . .

B

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This Isn't Love

We all have this craving to be loved and to love someone. It puts the mind at some ease is what my mother says, but what ease is there? Sure when you're alone you worry all about being single but when you're not you just worry about how you'll lose it, trying to keep the person happy so you stay together and don't end up picking up the pieces of you're heart all alone.

I am in the well known situation of liking someone who thinks of us as "Just Friends". That phrase taunts me. I've watched the movie many times and thought it so funny but I don't think I ever really understood until now. Now, I know exactly how it feels to want to bash your head against the wall because he won't stop going on about that girl the girl you wish you were so maybe he'd like you like that.

But luckily he doesn't go on about her too much and we have a good joke around and cool conversations. It's not fair that she got there first, but I can't just blame her, maybe whatever the situation it just wouldn't be. That's the reality of things, because some people love the same person their whole life and die alone without that person.

But dreaming . . . dreaming makes it possible. And I don't spend two hours in the bathroom for nothing. I need to look perfect. My hairstyle shouldn't say friend it should say girlfriend. It's quite horrible being in love with your so-called friend. Who knows one of these glorious days maybe I'll stop liking him.

My friends say I love him.

I don't love him.

And if I have used the word towards him then very loosely.

I can't be in love with him. Liking your friend is one thing, but liking your friend as something more than a friend is a complete different shop full of shoes.

OK, so I always go out with him in town and my heart soars every time he touches my hand or puts his arm around me. And yeah I run home so I can talk to him on MSN and take forever thinking of cool funny things to say to make him lol. And yes I wrote my name plus his in my book in a heart and yes I think about him all the time and when I'll see him next. But I am not in love with him.

I just like him a lot that's all.

Must go now, Jack's come online and I wanna talk to him!

B

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All in the past

I don't know but our teacher got us thinking. And it wasn't something boring and trivial to turn us all into monotonous clones. No, it was about past lives. She talked about people who remembered things they had never witnessed in their present lives. I heard a story years ago about a boy who remembered this house, the path and all but had never been there.

I would love to know who I was before this. Would I be the same person? Did I look similar? What were my dreams? Loves? Ambitions? What did I hate? What were my friends and family like and who were my favourite teachers in school? Was I partly the same or someone completely different. Someone completely unlike me.

Maybe I was a beggar girl, living on the cold streets of New York City.

Maybe I was a boy for all I know!

Maybe I was an artist and spent hours in an airy room painting my way out of a deeply flawed world.

It's amazing to think who you could have been, what you could have been and maybe even if it somehow influenced you in this life. I like things without a rational explanation, without an exact science. Like tears which my science teacher said no one knows exactly or maybe he just won't tell us because it is not on the curriculum.

I hope I helped people in my old life. I wondered if I had any romances then, perhaps I died young and didn't get to that age. I could have died a cot death.

The possibilities are endless but maybe I'm brand new. . .

Who do you think you'd be? And would you want to be anyone other than yourself?

B

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Love Is Inherently Tragic

Everything is like a pear shaped lemon. They were just pear shaped before but now it is incredibly worse. It all get's worse at one point.

He is coming back. Boyfriend is coming back. Seems more like a holiday than immigrating. He's not supposed to come back. He's supposed to stay put and out of my life. I've moved on, I now am crazy about this guy who we will call Jack. Yep, completely nuts. And I think he might like me too. If I'm lucky . . .

But Boyfriend see I told him a few days ago I still liked him the tiniest bit. You will laugh but I didn't want to be rude cos he said he still wanted me. I know how it feels when someone doesn't like you back and it seriously sucks and sure he put me through hell but I didn't want to be mean. I am way too nice.

So he wants us to get back and I am lost on how to tell him. I don't want to get back with him, I only just got over him. I don't want to set myself back on all that hard work and stuffing of chocolate. My friends think it's easy but it's just how he describes it eg. "We were like a love story you and me, perfect with a happy ending" I mean how can you say you don't love a guy like that? I don't now but god I used to and that means something to me.

I have to tell him tonight. It's been driving me crazy all day. I am on the edge of having to punch someone in the face because of my frustration. I mean, what happened to simple?

Or maybe it was always complicated and I just didn't notice . . .

I want him to stop wanting me but on the other hand I want him to stay loving me because it's just nice to know for certain someone out there cares, you know?

You may think it's selfish . . . maybe it is selfish to want to know you are loved. But it's what I want and strangely a sort of need. Because I have seriously low self-esteem I need self assurance and I usually get the opposite to a point where I feel suicidal.

So I'll just have to tell him and he probably will hate me and never talk to me again but I guess it's better than pretending just to be nice.

Wish me luck

B

xx