Please go away . . . but make sure you stay!

Hello all.

I have started school again. Oh joy, the smell of musty school books, crazy, mean, mad, bad, unfair teachers who will catch you out for accidental laughing fits and the mob of friends who you love but find deeply annoying and love to say you love the opposite sex, even if you're just friends. (Since when did a boy and a girl being mates, stop being all right?) Yes, utter hellish heaven!

The homework is piling up its only been three days!

But its hard to concentrate on any of it, though, cos my life seems to be turning into sludge!

My mum wants to run off with some guy my dad hates, and she will, at Christmas, for six weeks, on a supposed holiday to see her family who she hasn't seen in nine years. I guess that's fair but getting off with another guy NO. I don't want two addresses or a step family! NO WAY!

And supposed fiance is driving me to boiling point. It's like him proposing has made him ten times more controlling and just downright annoying! Always snapping at me, saying weird things like "I don't even know what I am doing" and when I ask him about it he's just like it doesn't matter. IT SCARES ME! It does matter.

Then there's Pon. I made very well of pushing him out of mind and being all perfect fiance type person but then he was within ten feet of me and I felt that special feeling, where you feel a million feelings all at once. You feel sick, scared, weirdly happy, excited and like you're hearts about to explode and somehow sad.

A real mix there.

I asked him if he wanted to see a movie with me on Saturday he said "dunno."

Now, I hate that word!

Well definitely when boys say it. Cos their just so . . . mysterious it stops being cool and starts getting agitating.

So I recruited Lover Dearest (we just couldn't help being friends!) and he of course worked his boy magic and pulled the info I needed from him though I didn't like it. Well half and half really! Apparently he does fancy me (meaning like for those who aren't accustomed to the British lingo) but he just got out of a really messy relationship so is unable to devote his life to loving yours truly!

But apparently according to my best friend who we will call "Munchkin" (she's actually my height, but I call her Munchkin anyway. Started a while ago, never stopped and now she puts it as her facebook and twitter names. I am genius!) says that apparently it's illegal for him to date me.

I think it's not illegal (yet)!

Though I was kinda/sorta/a bit surprised to realise he has started as a student teacher and does P.E. I wouldn't mind doing that lesson if HE was teaching me.

I have vowed, I think, to wait until he gets over said relationship to "go for it" as Lover Dearest said. And I don't mean to be disobeying to the law . . .

But I don't give a fuck what the fucking law says!

If I like him, and he likes me and isn't all hung up on past relationships we should be able to go out. It's only like 3-4 years not really a giant gap there!

OH MY GOD!

Officially worst fiance ever!

But does it stop there? NO.

A new person, who we will call Knot, has walked into my life. All care of my mad friend! He's nice, funny, sweet and he told me he loved me!

Now, I will admit I did do a few daydreams of him but . . . I don't know . . . but I . . . if Pon does get over said relationship and I break free from Lewis, I'd have to dump him to get to Pon who I swear I belong with, but then I say tat about everyone.

And he's already been through hell and back again, he's been stabbed four times, and his brother died like a week ago! I mean, seriously he doesn't need a little skank like me dumping him and making him hit rock bottom with a big bang!

So yes as you see life is shit! SHIT I TELL YOU! No actually shit looks like a fudge chocolate cake compared to the deep fucked up situation I am in.

Gotta do homework and NOT think about Pon. And try and find more ways to get Lewis to stop annoying me and be good fiance and also not lead Knot on and not hate mum or dad for being such suckish parents! Or yell at four year old sister for swearing and get book published so I CAN GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!

God, the list never ends!

Love

Belle

xxxxx

The Way I Loved You

All this commitments stuff is great, yeah, its just fab. But its all so calm, too easy. The challenge, the danger, has all gone. It's kinda comfy now . . . he's changed, did he do it for me?

I know that all anyone ever wants is the "perfect" relationship but . . .

I guess I kinda miss the parts when we first started out, the screaming and fighting. The way I hated him and loved him so much all at the same time it made me dizzy. I miss the emotional roller coaster it all was.

But now, he wants to *gulp* marry me! He bought me a ring, he's making a commitment. Why? I mean I'm not the perfect, polite, barbie doll girl you want your mother to meet. I'm the loud, sarcastic, weird curly haired girl who always says the wrong thing and doesn't really think before she speaks.

I'm always changing my mind and I love going out and doing random things just because I feel like it. I like to paint a room a weird bright colour just cos I feel like it.

Is that the kind of girl a guy wants to spend the rest of his life with?

Must be for him.

I'm getting more used to the idea of this "forever" thing. I just, I guess I never thought I'd be thinking of forever with him. I mean this is the guy I'd used to wonder if I'd make it through the next two hours with let alone forever!

Yeah, I am his longest relationship, compared to the two weeks he usually seems to last. Maybe that makes me seriously special in his book. In which case great, but hopefully he has other reasons. I could ask him . . .

Yeah, I mean he's hardly gonna bite my head off.

And if he does I'll kill him, verbally of course :)

It's a plan.

Love

Belle

xx

You're Specail

I went shopping with Lover Dearest. We have to be friends, we just can't help ourselves. I'm over it now, and so is he. We're just fine, once again. We walked around happily in circles not going into any shops really, he refuses to pick shops always makes me choose. I am very indecisive.

But more importantly . . .

Drum roll please . . .

I'M ENGAGED!

Everyone pop out the good champagne and dance around- NO.

I want to be thrilled, I want to be ecstatic but I'm not. I am terrified. Shocked. I mean, you're walking along with your boyfriend who you have a nice cosy on and off relationship with and then suddenley BAM! He's on his knee with a FOUR HUNDRED POUND RING and asks you to marry him.

I couldn't have been more shocked if green pigs started doing the loopty loop over my head.

I mean this was Lewis. He was not the committment kinda guy. He does not propose, he cheats and lies and breaks girls hearts, HE DOES NOT PROPOSE!

I should have said no. I should have run away or something. But all I saw was this wrong which he spent sooo much money on, probably everything he has. His hopeful face, so utterly sure I was gonna say yes. And then me not sure of what was happening.

I opened my mouth all set to crush his dreams but I couldnt instead I said . . .

"Yeah, I'd love to".

LIES!

Cos I'm in love with someone else . . .

We'll call him, Pon.

As in Pon and Zi.

He told me I was specail. And even though Lewis proposed he has never said that to me. No one has. He said other things to . . .

And I think I'm falling for him.

I am officially the worst fiance ever!

Damn you ring!

What am I going to do????

Love

Belle (NO LONGER SINGLE!)

xxx

p.s. GAAAAH